The story of a girl who bought the farm, the horses and a backhoe.
by Billie on May 30th, 2008 • 3 Comments »
I don’t know if or when I have ever felt as vulnerable and fragile as I do at this very moment.
Today was one of spontaneous tears.
The realization that Roger is no longer with us has finally hit me. It feels like a lead pipe bouncing off of the base of my spine.
The complexities that now need to be sorted out are overwhelming. My whole life will be changing dramatically in the next month - I initiated this months ago and know that in the long run the decisions that have gotten me here will be for the best. Still, I am afraid.
In the past I have been a very spontaneous person. I have been comfortable packing up all of my belongings and living a semi-nomadic life, following capricous whims where they led. I am no longer this person. Where she went I do not know. I am surprised to learn that she has left me, especially now that I truly need her.
I was at The Lad’s for a short while this evening. I was uncomfortable for reasons that I am failing miserably to understand. Driving home, I was almost in a daze. I lost track of where I was and had no sense of familiarity with my surroundings, but had the strongest desire to simply continue driving - I know not where.
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by Billie on May 30th, 2008 • No Comments »
I went (with The Lad) on a road trip yesterday. For some reason he agreed to come to the Madison area with me where I had to pick up two young horses that belong to one of my favorite clients.
The trip was dull, as car rides often are. The truck has no CD player, and since we both live in the stone age there was not an ipod between us. Instead, The Lad read to me from Golf Digest (yes, it is mildly embarrassing, but I actually watch golf some weekends - and like it).
While the trip was uneventful, dealing with the horses was less so. Killarney, a big, opinionated three year old had lost her halter and would not let me catch her. An hour into trying (I broke down and even had the owner bring grain out) she still would not let me touch her. In a burst of inspiration, I had the owner help me to lead a couple of the other horses into the barn hoping (praying) that the herd mentality would kick in and Killarney would follow. Fortunately, both for my ego and for the sake of safety, she went into the barn and was closed in a box stall with a friend. Putting a halter on was still a bit of a trial. In the enclosed space she very quickly turned around and tried to kick my face off several times. With my mongoose-like reflexes I avoided that particular disaster and was finally able to halter the beast.
The other horse was not as badly behaved. Donnarwind (DW) is a yearling colt who spent several months with me last summer. The unfortunate bit is that he is absolutely huge for his age and has not had consistent enough handling. He is still pastured with his mother and does not lead particularly well. We took both baby and mother into the barn with only slight drama (he reared about a dozen times with some slight spinning and trying to run the blonde at the end of the lead rope down). At least he has the excuse of only being a baby.
The best part is next… I had the owners schedule for the vet to be there. We sedated both horses so I could get them into the trailer with a minimum of bloodshed (mine). It went brilliantly and we were soon on the road with two dozing horses.
For all of the horse owners out there let me just say you need to work very consistently with young horses. They should lead safely from the time they area couple of months old. They should not be allowed to think they are in the Alpha position where humans are concerned (this is Killarney’s biggest problem). Trainers do not particularly like to be killed. Seems simple enough.
On the way home, I learned that Kevin’s dad had passed away. While not unexpected, it was still very painful. He was a loving, kind and compassionate father-figure in addition to being my dear friend. I shall miss him terribly, I can’t even express the feeling of loss. While The Lad napped, I had a cleansing cry (something I really don’t like to do) and reflected on the time I was able to spend with Roger recently. I am so glad that I went to Chicago a couple of weeks ago and didn’t miss the opportunity to add more positive experiences to my memory bank.
Arriving home, The Lad helped me to unload the horses (the Great Dane was pretty excited by Killarney’s misbehavior and was causing some difficulty for me which The Lad was able to mitigate). Then I took him home.
After doing chores I decided to get cleaned up and attend a function with my former colleagues at a local tavern. I struggled for a while with the decision. It didn’t seem right to have fun with such a heavy heart, but I decided that life really is to short to stay at home mourning a situation that I had no means to change. Having a brief chat with my mother helped. She knows the whole situation and encouraged me to get out of the house and enjoy the opportunity at hand.
In truth, there are a great many people from work that I truly enjoyed spending time with and will miss. Our working dynamic was excellent. In fact, there were few (if any) that I did not genuinely like or at least come to appreciate. Several of the attendees were former employees that I had not seen for months and months (including The Lad’s sister in-law, with whom I worked closely and developed a great relationship). It was nice to have time together out of the work environment and get to know some of the people better.
While we were eating, one lady barraged The Lad and I with questions regarding our state of not dating. She is a proponent of a Lad/Billie relationship it seems. The Sister-in-law it seems is hip to the fact that The Lad and I spend some time together. As she was saying tearful goodbyes to the group she stopped, gave me a hug and said “I am sure I will be seeing you, so I don’t need to cry.” When I asked why, she told me that she was not stupid and that her grandfather had told her that The Lad had a pretty, blonde girlfriend who rides horses. The Lad rents from the grandparents and the 90+ year old fellow ambushed me for a chat one day as I dropped good luck with the interview flowers, of all things, off. I am busted in that respect - oh, except there is no dating (nothing beyond simply - and almost too innocently hanging out, sorry to be such a bore). The timing for both of us is dreadful right now. Damnation.
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by Billie on May 27th, 2008 • 2 Comments »
Yesterday, a woman from Milwaukee drove up to ride one of my sale horses (Ashton, the one who just is not a good match for my riding/personality type). A trial ride is something like a blind date. You may have seen photos and/or video footage of the horse, have spoken with trainer/owner/rider, but you really have no idea what to expect until you meet the horse face to face.
Ashton put on quite a show before I arrived at Malinda’s barn… he ate a pair of reins, which had to be quickly replaced before he could be ridden. He also decided that he should take a fast lap around the field sans personal attendant. His buddies in the adjacent pasture did the same, so there was some excitement all around. Fortunately, Ashton came over to Malinda after his romp and was beautifully behaved under saddle.
When the prospective buyer climbed aboard, Ashton did his very best to listen to her direction and she had quite a lovely ride. We pulled out some 55 gallon barrels to use as a jump in addition to several regular fences, and he quietly went over everything in his path in a most gentlemanly fashion. What a character this horse is.
All went well, and the woman will be back in a couple of weeks for a second ride. If all continues to go well, the next step will be a pre-purchase exam (this means the horse is subjected to all sorts of flexion tests, a score or so of x-rays are taken of the various joints, and an overall check-up is done by the vet).
Buying a horse really is like attempting to find a life partner. We spend a great deal of time and energy, in addition to copious amounts of money on our equine companions so decisions such as this are not made lightly. Plus, they cost about as much as a car… it really is a huge decision to make.
I will be sad if Ashton is sold, but since I don’t enjoy riding him (too boring for me) and have loaned him out for my friend to ride over the past couple of years, it won’t be too big of a personal loss. I have a couple of other horses that Malinda can ride and continue to learn on, so she won’t be too disappointed either.
The other horses are in the clear for now. Actually, Mirelle is on my naughty list as she has learned how to escape from her new paddock. Last night, before feeding time, she was out wandering around the property eating grass. Fortunately for her, she came to me when called (so I didn’t get too bent out of shape) and I moved her to yet another pasture in the hope of containing her properly. The fence gives a powerful zap, so I am optimisitic that she will stay in for a day or two. I just don’t know how she continues to escape, she must have a special gift.
Today entailed running all kinds of errands. The Lad and I spent a couple of minutes together today, sharing a pizza and catching up. Since he has returned to town, we have spent a ridiculous amount of time on the phone. The teenage phase has clearly not passed me by as I had hoped.
The dogs and I played hard in the yard when I returned home, then they helped me to feed the horses. Interior work on the house was on hold today as I am getting burned out again - at least I have finished pulling up all of the carpeting in the dressing room and hallway. It took several hours to pull all of the dumb staples out of the hardwood floor yesterday, but I like the tangible evidence of a job properly completed.
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by Billie on May 25th, 2008 • One Comment »
The last couple of days have been filled by chore-completion and a touch of going out into the world.
I had a date wit Kevin (gag - I hate the phrase dating) on Friday. It was not stellar, but not too bad. We went to dinner then to the new Indiana Jones movie. I like Indy, really I do, but this movie was just over the top with cartoonish CGI and aliens. Is this what we have come to??
I spent most of my day yesterday being a big person. I really wasn’t sure that I wanted to, but did anyway.
There is a series of local Dressage (horse) shows that I started 4 years ago. I organized and ran everything, conscripted friends and family to volunteer, some coming from as far as Chicago just to help out. The organization that I ran this for was in favor of holding the shows (they made a great deal of money for the club) for the most part, the club members wanted to ride, which is understandable. Since I was hiring the judges and running the events, I did not ride but did coach some students as time allowed.
After three years, I got burned out. I passed the torch to two ladies in the club who picked up where I left off.
My gripe? Both of these ladies show their own horses on show day (at times they have brought multiple horses to show) and leave the volunteer staff on their own. This is just wrong. Many of the volunteers have no idea what happens at this kind of show and serious technical knowledge is required for many of the jobs. It makes me crazy. If you want to run a horse show just so you can collect ribbons from the judges you hand pick and pay, there is something wrong.
My dilemma is that I truly want to support the sport and help to encourage growth in the local Dressage community. I don’t support what these women are doing per se, but I do support the sport. Damn.
So, I spent the day volunteering for the most technical jobs that I could find. I was a scribe for the in-hand classes (where the horse’s conformation and movement are judged without a rider on them - the judge has a score card with lots of little boxes that need to be filled out with scores and relevant comment, the scribe scribbles furiously into the boxes so the judge can do her job). I scored the in-hand and Dressage tests (it sounds easy, but there are collective marks, error deductions and coefficients to take into account, then everything needs to be tallied correctly so a percentage score can be arrived at).
The huge benefit of doing this is that I was able to spend time with my client Barb, who happened to be the judge. She is a riot!
Only one of my students (9 year old Kiersten) was participating, but she won a bevy of ribbons, even beating the two ladies who ran the show in her Dressage Equitation classes. She earned Reserve Grand Champion Equitation rider, which was a huge honor, especially as she was one of the youngest riders in attendance.
Another friend, Christel, who is a professional photographer was at the show doing her job. I haven’t seen her for months, so it gave me a great opportunity to catch up. She had been at the Rolex 3-Day Event in Kentucky a few weeks back (I have never been to this American pinnacle event, this year because of all of the travel to Chicago and responsibilities that entails). I am so jealous! She goes every year to work on her craft and just have some fun watching the world’s top riders tackle the incredible cross country course.
One of my favorite riders, Olympian Darren Chiacchia had been very badly injured in a fall while on the cross country course at the Reed Hill Horse Trials back in March when his horse took a misstep, catapulting him into a jump. He spent 42 days in a coma. In my former life, as the advertising director of a national horse publication, I spent a great deal of time working with Darren and his Olympic horse’s owner Tim Holekamp. I have been closely watching his recovery and in regular communication with Tim and his wife Cheryl receiving updates.
(learn more about Darren here: http://www.eventrider.com )
The nice thing about the equestrian community, is that there actually is a sense of community when things like this happen. There have been fund raising events across the country, including several activities at Rolex. Knowing I am a fan and acquaintance of Darren’s, Christel purchased some items that were being sold as a benefit to help with his medical expenses. Hoping that I might be there, she brought them along to the show for me. What a considerate and thoughtful friend!
Back in the real world, my client/friend stopped by after the show to pick asparagus, see the new baby and do some catching up. We started planning for our trip to Devon in September, which is exciting as it may be where Darren’s horse Windfall makes his Grand Prix Dressage debut under fellow Olympian Robert Dover. Barb’s horse Sandor is also scheduled to make his GP debut with rider Patti Becker, so it is heady stuff. I will be showing 3 or 4 young horses in-hand, vying for the Born In the USA award, which honors the top American-bred Warmblood horses.
Dinner took a group of us, including the ever-traveling Jeff, to dinner then on to see Michael Murphy and the Mob at a local tavern. The music was good, the company very nice, the bar on the seedy side. I miss the pub.
Next Saturday is Ballyhoo’s to see Sunspot. I love seeing these fine folks perform (especially without having to travel to do so). To support the local music scene, I think everyone who reads this blog should bring a few friends and come out to see Sunspot with us.
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by Billie on May 22nd, 2008 • No Comments »
As you may have guessed, I have been dealing with some depression type issues of late. Today, instead of worrying if I am bipolar, I decided to do something life-affirming.
My friend Malinda has a tree. An American Chestnut tree.
This is a wonder in and of itself as the early part of the 20th century brought with it a blight that wiped out native chestnut populations throughout most of the country. The blight was though to have been brought here in the late 1800’s on Japanese chestnut trees. The result is that There are some naturalized American chestnut populations in Canada, and the northwestern U. S. that were established from seeds that the settlers took with them as they migrated. These trees are not resistant to the blight, but they thus far have been sufficiently geographically isolated from the blight fungus in the East that they have attained large size and are reproducing by seeds. There are some populations in Wisconsin (outside of the chestnut’s original range), but in recent years the blight has found them and many of these trees are falling despite efforts to check the disease.
Malinda has an American Chestnut tree. Amazing. It is glorious.
The tree began to blossom this morning. I know, this is what happens with trees in the spring, but this particular tree shared with me the most ethereal experience several years ago. An experience that I will literally drop everything to revisit.
Standing under the tree I heard incredibly loud buzzing. I thought I had angered a nest of bees and was a bit fearful. What I saw, amazed me. Hundreds of hummingbirds danced their way between the leaves high above my head, sipping nectar from the slowly opening blossoms as evening set in.
It is an other-worldly experience. It defies any real description.
The message came that today was the day.
I spent several hours with the tree and the hummingbirds. I lay in the grass and was amazed all over again.
Definitely hedonistic.
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by Billie on May 21st, 2008 • No Comments »
Today was productive. I did lots of chores, including mowing the lawn. The horses remained in their respective paddocks. I had several good rides.
Then the good bit.
After running several errands, I stopped in at The Lad’s place to congratulate him in person on the job offer that he received and accepted this afternoon.
He looked very debonair - some would say downright dashing. I left after playing an obnoxiously happy tune and forcing a ridiculous issue that I had brought up some days ago. Got a mile or two down the road, remembered that I had to go back to the west side to pick something up from my mother and made an executive decision.
Turning around, I stopped back at The Lad’s, made sure he was decent and told him that I was taking him to a celebratory dinner.
So, that is what happened. We had a glass of wine, ate, and enjoyed one another’s company.
Not much else needs to happen. I am content. And the horses are still in.
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by Billie on May 21st, 2008 • One Comment »
Ramses, my Great Dane is extremely flatulent tonight. I may need to rethink putting his dog bed in my bedroom. A gas mask would be helpful.
I am suffering from insomnia yet again. It seems to come and go, tonight it arrived in full force. Usually sleep meditation works for me, but that has not been the case of late. My chiropractor encouraged me to take a magnesium supplement late in the evening, which helped for a while too. Since I refuse to resort to pills here I am, at 3:00 am, blogging of all things.
Today was a pretty decent day, all told. I completed the construction of a new paddock for Duncan and Lerus and moved them into it. (They stayed in which is a bonus). I played with the dogs and explored the woods at the back of our property. Rode 3 horses and then spent some quality time with my old Thoroughbred, Mr. Forbes. Took a few pictures. Picked asparagus. Put a coat of varnish on the bathroom vanity.
Talked to my equine chiropractor for a good bit. She is coming to do adjustments on three horses this Sunday. One of my favorite clients called to schedule lessons and gear up for the show season. Another client called to invite me to a horsey ladies day at her farm at the end of the month (the wine flows quite freely on these days and we have a great time). The Lad phoned and we had a good chat.
The existential crisis is on hold for now.
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by Billie on May 19th, 2008 • No Comments »
Yep, that says it all.
I am out of sorts this evening. WAY out. Cranky as hell. No real reason, just the cumulative effect of life in general.
The trip back from Chicago was unspectacular. I drove and listened to Sunspot most of the way while drinking far too much iced coffee and Mountain Dew. Kevin was a pill. Thankfully, he slept the majority of the way back north. Thank you, thank you, thank you Sunspot for Scott Bakula! It always makes me laugh. Step On It describes my feelings toward my roommate pretty accurately…
I delivered goodies (tiramisu, gelato and sushi) to various friends, then went and picked up my dogs and home to bed. Actually, I spent a few unexpected hours at the home of The Lad - not in my plan, but pleasant anyway. I am really not sure why I am drawn to his company, but there it is.
This afternoon I met up with some friends for coffee, then The Lad for lunch and yet more coffee. I really had no desire to come home. The workload is overwhelming right now. My optimism is wearing thin.
So, I took some photos of baby Joey (cute and charming as always). Then took a long, hot bath and read a book about WWII submarines instead of accomplishing anything tangible. Keeping the little grey cells working seems productive enough.
I am continually disturbed by a conversation that I have had far too many times with The Lad. He constantly tells me that I speak too much like a professor and need to lighten up. Honestly. This is coming from a certifiable crumudgeon (OK , I use the term, but have no idea how to spell it). Do speech patterns really determine a person’s ability to apprecite life?
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by Billie on May 17th, 2008 • No Comments »
The ex and I arrived in Chicago around 11:00 am yesterday. His father cried as we walked in. I guess this is really where I need to be right now.
Kevin’s off-of-the-boat Italian mom has been shoving copious amounts of food in front of our faces. Actually, I like being mothered from time to time, and I love the various gastronomic delights available in the city. Pete’s for gyros and some of the best chili dogs on the planet. DeNico’s or Connie’s for pizza. Gelato Uno for extremely handsome Italian waiters and fantastic pistachio gelato. Papaspiro’s for moussaka… I could go on and on.
As it turns out, Roger (the dad) is in fairly good spirits and is hanging in there gamely. He is exceptionally weak, has been bedridden since November and now looks like a concentration camp survivor. It is really difficult to see such a robust man now in this condition.
My major contribution to his well being has been feeding him literally anything that he can dream up, running here and there to see that his wishes are fulfilled. His appetite is waning, so the leftovers are quickly filling the refrigerator. I have also been giving him light massages to help keep his circulation going. He is very delicate, all ofthe fat on his body is gone and the muscle is slowly melting away, so I have to be as gentle as with a newborn child. I have given him a manicure and picked lilacs and irises from the backyard to put near his bed.
Roger used to spend most evenings on his back deck which overlooks the yard and street. Since he took ill, he has not even been able to sit up. His hospital bed is in the living room, so he is not even able to see much outside. Working out in the garden this afternoon, mowing the grass and trimming the shrubbery, at least a dozen people stopped to ask after Roger. There is something to be said about community.
Just being here to provide conversation and company seems to be providing a boost to his morale. I am very happy that I was able to come.
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by Billie on May 15th, 2008 • No Comments »
I just got off of the phone with the lad formerly known as my crushee. The ridiculous stage is now history. One of my friends had emailed me last night, stating that he did not approve of my having a crush on someone and wanting to know who the fellow was (since it seemingly was not him). I realized that I do not approve of my having a crush on anyone either, especially as the timing could not possibly be worse. So, that is that. He will remain a friend. I will be his sounding-board. It is a good fit.
Today I worked 3 horses in the early hours of the morning, then received a call from work. Celebrating the facility’s last day, everyone was gathered for a picnic, to which I was invited. It was somewhat depressing to say goodbye to the people that I had seen every day - even those that I was not particularly close to. My former crushee was one of the few not in attendance. That was most disappointing. One of the other fellows decided that we should have a grope session in one of the offices. Not a good idea. His most unwelcome advances left me utterly pissed (sorry for the language, that was the most benign turn of phrase that I could use). He is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Good luck to his next employer as well as to his wife and female colleagues. Seriously, what a distasteful train wreck.
So, I promptly left and ran a few errands. The first of which was going to the feed store to buy some grain (I forgot to phone in my order yet again). Happily, my friend Adam works at this particular store so we had a good chat and made plans to meet up in a couple of weeks. It has been a couple of years since we last did anything together, which is another sad fact of adult life.
I feel compelled to insert my new big idea here. Simply, to reconnect with friends, spend quality time with people whose company I enjoy and even (gasp) get out there and meet some new people. The hermetic life can be overrated. The farm will always be my first priority, but I do plan on going up north to do some hiking in between shows and other related commitments. Perhaps I will find other interests to occupy some of my time, rather than being so obsessed with work. That may be a stretch, but sometimes stretching is good.
At any rate, I picked about 6 or 8 pounds of asparagus, which are now clean and bagged in the refrigerator. I just need to get diesel fuel for the tractor and drop some asparagus off at my neighbor’s, then feed the animals, and the night is mine! Hooray for Thursday. I love The Office. Really, I was resistant at first being a huge fan of the British version, but our version is nearly as good. It is a little, pleasant something to look forward to mid-week. The call back from my former crushee will be nice too.
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