What do you want them to do with you?
This week, I was riding my bike on the east side when a strong, oily smell smote my nostrils. I looked around and saw a darkish cloud roiling above a funeral home. “Oh, cripes! They’re incinerating someone!” was my first reaction. And I somewhat recoiled at the sight; and unreasonably so. After all, they do indeed burn dead people — they call it cremation. You get to keep the ashes of your loved one if you want; you can hold onto them or scatter them in some special place.
But, having that blackish smoke invade my day was sobering and I couldn’t help feeling offended or intruded upon. Thought, “Shouldn’t they do this at night?” I always thought that funeral ovens were so incredibly hot that there would be no troublesome smoke. And indeed, as I stood with my bike, transfixed by the evidence of the ceremony within, the smoke was replaced by clear, shimmery heat waves emanating from the large chimney. (Mission accomplished.) I wondered, “What does the roof look like? Lots of bits of burned people up there?”
“Hey Frank, it’s your turn to go up and sweep off the roof.”
Dark. Sorry. But what do you expect, given the tableau d’morte I had just witnessed?
Then, I considered the other posthumous rites and practices we encounter. Chances are that you, like me, have attended the open-casket funeral where the deceased loved one lies there, a waxen, plastic facsimile of the person you knew and loved. Other times, the coffin holds someone who merely looks peacefully asleep.
Then we bury. And erect a monument, or at least plant a flat marker. And a vast city of the dead … and their living attendants … spreads out below the trees, surrounded on all sides by life. I haven’t been to my parents’ graves up in Sault Ste. Marie since we buried my Mom a few years back. So many graves, unvisited, unacknowledged, although not necessarily forgotten.
So, what do you want them to do with you? When the time comes. When you have to be dealt with.
I think of the options: ashes scattered in the Scottish Highlands, or across the waves of Lake Superior or the Irish Sea (brrrr!); a dignified, imposing granite block marking my resting place in a lonesome bone yard somewhere; a Reebok shoebox containing my ashes surreptitiously buried in the woods by a trout stream. My wife Jane wants a large statue of Venus rising from the waves on a half-shell, but no grave to go with it. Do you want to be embalmed or “go green”? Do you want a sealed, steel casket (funeral director will say how this will “protect” the remains in perpetuity, i.e. forever) or in a plain wooden variety?
Old lyric:
The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out
The ones that go in are lean and thin
The ones that crawl out are fat and stout
Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out
Your brains come tumbling down your snout
Be merry, my friends, be merry
Do you think you deserve or need that 4×8 piece of real estate? Do you want to be “preserved”? Do you want to go out in a flash of super-heat, maybe wee bits up the ol’ chimney and down for rooftop repose or to infiltrate some biker’s nose? And what music do you want played at your funeral. I’ll insist on “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”
What do you want them to do with you? And why?
Jill Knetter said:
You know, that’s a really interesting question. I’ve always thought that, depending on the circumstances surrounding my death, I’d like whatever organs that could be useful to someone else donated, and then after that it’s up to my family. Having my ashes spread somewhere does have a nice sound to it, thought at this exact moment I couldn’t tell you just where I’d want that to occur. I think normal burials and all are fine, but they’re so costly. And for what? A box, a rock, and maybe some peace of mind for your loved ones. I can understand that to a point, but I think rather than have them look at a spot where they know I’m rotting 6 feet down, I like the thought of them looking out over water or something beautiful like that instead.
I’m fond of thinking of a song like “Bruised” by Jack’s Mannequinn or “Bye Bye, Baby” by the Bay City Rollers to send me off into oblivion. Nothing too sad…I’d rather have my life celebrated at the end than my passig mourned :)
July 17th, 2008 at 12:51 am #
Barry Liss said:
Soylent Green is People!!!! Cremation seems like a waste of energy - it steals nutrition away from nature…I got nothin against worms - they should feast!
Good post Tom,
Barry
July 17th, 2008 at 7:04 am #
Tom Neal said:
Thanks, Barry.
Feeding worms (grrroooss) is okay, but I wonder: if all the bone yards in the U.S. were combined, would they constitute enough space to build whole ‘nother state?
But, at least it’s green space making O2. Usually good places to jog or drink at midnight.
Occasionally, some good poetry to read, too.
Thanks, Jill.
I like the idea of the Irish wake. A whole lotta drinkin’ and music and BS floating around. Instead of the typical “service” and then everybody hops in cars and goes their way, the wake is a whole day and night affair. Sometimes longer when you can’t get rid of those out-of-town relatives.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:49 am #
erik said:
Very cool post, Tom.
Personally, I’d like a Tibetan sky burial, have for quite a while. But I’m fairly certain it’s illegal in the States. But to me, it is the ultimate give back to the environment at least a little bit type of burial I can think of.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:37 pm #
Cheryl Mathis said:
I want my organs and whatever they can harvest (including hair) to be donated. And then burn me up!
My ashes should be scattered wherever my family feels would be most meaningful to them. No urn. Ick. If they want to spend money on a little monument to keep in the woods somewhere that they can visit and weep over the huge loss my death will create, that’s fine with me. No church service, but a get-together-type party is fine.
My parents already have their graves picked out and paid for. They’ll have a traditional service at the church down the street from the cemetery where all the other dead people in my family were memorialized. Tradition.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:06 pm #
Dino Corvino said:
well, since today is self loathing day for Dino, I would like the Critical Bill funeral. Those familiar with Scott Holt will know Critical Bill.
I think it would be fair, to sort of stand me up, and let those with grievances punch me. I am sure I have offended everyone, and then they could get it out of their system, and we would not have to have it hanging over me while I went to hell, where I am surely bound.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:19 pm #
PackOne said:
Somewhere quiet, next to my pets, with a spot reserved for my wife.
Great article.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:40 pm #
oldwoodchair said:
Most interesting post I’ve seen so far!
4 years ago my dad passed away…my first up-close & personal experience with death and the “arrangements” associated with a passing, as it was up to me to plan the funeral. I learned SO MUCH through that experience! He was an extrodinary man who led a fantastic life…always by his own rules…so we gave him an appropriate send-off. We did the whole casket thing with the flowers (Mike at Evolutions is a genius…we went very non-traditional and he totally delivered, as he always does!!!)and the picture-boards, and the little funeral announcement that said “Gone fishing”, but we personalized everything because a funeral is for those left behind, not for those who have passed on. It wasn’t your usual somber ceremony…it was full of jokes and laughter and bawdiness…just like his life….we celebrated him and thanked God for letting us get to experience knowing him all these years. Afterwards, we had a huge party at the Eagles Club and drank and danced and celebrated a life that we should all be lucky enough to live.
Since that time, I’ve made plans for my own passing…and have informed my family so they will have no doubts as to what to do. I want to be cremated and have my ashes buried in my garden. (If it was legal, they could skip the cremation and just dig a hole & plop me in there, but I think if the neighbors witness that there might be issues.) I really don’t want a casket of any kind…if they feel it necessary to have a “showing”…just prop me up in a chair & let people come & sit next to me, as they do now, & say their goodbyes. (My favorite chair on our deck would be perfect.) During the “scattering service, the theme song will definately be “Spirit In The Sky”, and I want it blasting loud. And I want someone to read my “funeral quote” to instruct those left behind….
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”
By Winnie the Pooh
Then I want my friends & family to have a big party…either at my house or maybe the Chatterbox. No crying allowed…lots of “man, she really knew how to live!” And then move on & go about their lives.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:42 pm #
cupcake said:
I will be dead, so I don’t really care; but my husband and I both agree that cremation will probably be best. My instructions are to scatter my ashes “anywhere but in Wisconsin”! I, too, have left instructions that “Spirit in the Sky” be my theme song; I am toying with the idea of contacting Norman Greenbaum and asking him to come sing at the funeral- he’s probably not too busy these days.
In my will, I specifically left all my purses to my friend and co-worker Barb, with instructions to distribute them among my friends, including my shiny red portfolio to April; and all my garden decorations and sculptures to Pam. These are my favorite things.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:44 am #
deepintheheart said:
Ever since the passing of HST, the idea of being shot from a cannon has been rooting around in my brain. I once heard a butcher use the phrase “meat cannon. . . ” (I do not think he was referring to his “little deputy”) So. . .blow my remains from a meat cannon while the Rolling Stones belt out Sympathy For The Devil.
“It’s like a train-wreck. . . I can’t take my eyes off it.”
July 18th, 2008 at 6:20 am #
orkmommy said:
When my grandfather died we had him cremated and rented pontoon boats at one of our favorite lakes so we could deposit his ashes. The whole thing started out somber until we started to deposit him. Ya see, the funeral home gave us his ashes in a biodegradable package, somewhat like an egg carton. The idea was to just place the package in the water and it would sink. Well, it didn’t sink. It floated. My step-dad had to fish him out of the water and poke holes in the package to allow the water to come in and let him sink. Needless to say this broke the somber mood and we proceeded to P-A-R-T-Y! Tata would have wanted it that way!
I’m with Cheryl, donate it all and cremate me. Do whatever you want with the ashes.
My brother has the same idea except that he wants his ashes to be rolled into a “cigarette” and have his friends smoke him! He’s a weirdo!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:03 pm #
Tom Neal said:
Right now … just shoot me … having returned from Wyoming with a bum leg.
Thanks, all, for your comments. Loved the egg carton story! I seem to remember a movie scene where a family was scattering ashes at the sea shore and the wind blew it all back in their faces!
Erik, what’s a Tibetan sky burial? I need to look that up. (Ha, inadvertent pun!)
July 29th, 2008 at 7:22 am #