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My Heart Breaks

by on November 23rd, 2010

I was unable to attend my friend Dianes funeral last night.  So, I wrote this.

I have a special relationship with the guy who gives me tattoos, Hoss.  I have known him since I was a little man, and it was not legal to get tattoos, and now I know him as an adult.  Hoss is literally unchanging.  He is the same man that he was then, and his energy is eternal, like the ocean.

There is something special about artists.  Standing in front of a canvas and giving yourself to the outcome is infinitely amazing.  Artists give.  Hoss is a truly amazing artist.  He makes permanent marks in flesh, and he cannot ever erase.  Every act of his art is an infinite commitment.  He cannot take anything back; he has to mean everything, because it is there forever.  That is amazing.

I love my tattoos, and they are all special and mean so much to me.  But, to be completely honest I would gladly give them all up if I had to.  As long as I got to keep Hoss as my friend.  And if I got to keep my friendship with him wife, Diane.

I think we are all blessed if we look for it.  The universe gives us exactly what we need in the moments we need it.   Years back I was lost, the Pub was over, I was struggling with the idea of adulthood, and for whatever reason I walked into the tattoo shop.  Just randomly.  I asked Diane if I could make an appointment.  Here is the thing, every other tattoo with Hoss you tended to wait months to get in.  But, this day Diane said I should come in tomorrow.  I was not expecting that.  I had not even really thought about the tattoo that much, but she reached out and put her hand on mine and said, “We have time for you tomorrow, so come in.”  Or something like that.  I obviously said yes.

I brought my tattoo back (the Scott Holt tattoo), and we talked for a second or two, but the maternal vibe was right there.  Tattoo parlors can have that dark energy, the tribal tattoos, the dudes getting this or that, but Hoss shop is not like that.  The shop is truly a maternal place.  Like Inner Sleeve records, the shop is one of those safe places where there is not a lot of aggression.  Sort of Zen.  Sort of like Church.

The thing I loved about Hoss and Diane as a team is the sort of interconnectedness.  As a man, one of the struggles is how to define love, how to show love, how to be available for love.  Hoss had no problem with that.  NONE.  Hoss loved Diane visibly, eternally, and it was the most important thing I ever knew about Hoss.  He and I know each other a little bit, but the thing that I know the most about Hoss, he loves Diane.  Nothing came before Diane, nothing.  Not like an immature teen stalking a girl, but rather like how a tree loves the soil, or a wave loves your surfboard.  It is an unsaid, but never questioned thing.

I know two or three couples that have this simplicity in their love.  I am lucky to know them.  They are models for how we should love each other.

So, as I learned that my friend Diane took a journey to someplace else, I thought of my friend Hoss.  When someone moves on, you think about the loss that we all feel, and I do not know if I feel that loss now.  I mean, I will miss her, and the energy she put into the world, and how she touched me.  But, here is the thing, when I was away from her, I never once felt away from her.  What I mean is this…when I leave, and come back to see someone again after a while, you have this sense of returning, that you were away or separate.  When I would see Diane or Hoss after not seeing them for a while, I never felt like I was returning.  I always felt like they were right there, never gone, never returning to them.  I am sure that makes no sense.

Diane…I am sorry I did not get to say this stuff while you were here, but you are still here now.  My heart feel like it is bursting a little bit right now, but you touched my life in a way that can never be explained, thought I just spent 900 words trying to.  You made me feel safe in an unsafe world; you held my hand when I needed you to.  You gave me far more than I gave you, and you showed me what love looks like.

Hoss…I am sorry.  Your friendship is a blessing, and I hope you and I can talk soon.  You have everything you need, it is a loving universe, and it will ensure you are okay.

See you later Diane.

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