by Dino Corvino on March 11th, 2010
A long time ago my friend Tom sought to counsel me. He said that the passion that I stoked in myself was going to be the death of me, or my downfall. That one cannot burn bright without some sense of consequence. That society does in fact expect a sense of decorum, and those that fall outside of that spectrum can be ostracized. He did not say all that, he just told me to cool out, I was driving people nuts. I think that is entirely true.
I do not want to talk about me here. But, I am forced to talk about the world around me a little bit.
Tonight i watched a documentary about a dancer. Bill T. Jones. I have been a giant fan of his for as long as I have been aware of dance, and the documentary is something that I have loved for a long time. I am glad I own it. It reminds me of passion, the creative process, and all of the things that I am passionate about.
In my walking about town and spending time with people here, I am often confronted with this sort of desire to quell passion. To diminish that which burns brightest. I remember myself as a 19 year old man, and I was on fire. Fearless. Unwilling, unable, unquestioning.
Now, I am afraid. Static. Unwilling to steel my back against the push back, unable to resist the critical voices. And it feels like the counsel of those to be moderate limits the desire to be passionate. I do not know.
This week I am writing about this Van De Yacht matter, and it seems lamer than just about anything I have ever written about. I am doing it because I like the research I have done, and it seems timely.
I went to see part of Dress Rehearsal for The Fiddler on the Roof, and I was blown away. I do not have anything like that in my life. It all sort of feels empty now. Like I am not creating anything. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but I am lamenting the stuff that surrounds me. I lament it a lot.
watch?v=LsGSwhmjpPE&feature=grec
by Dino Corvino on March 9th, 2010
I have been, and am now, feeling blue. For about a month or so. My workouts and eating have been great, but I have been feeling emotionally disconnected, and alone. So, I have made efforts to simplify my life even further. The problem with that is that I become more solitary, and more insular. And that bothers me, because I am alone. It is a terrible cycle.
But, on a more positive note, I had a cool experience at the Y last night. I was feeling blue, so I thought an extra session at the Y. The problem with that, meatheads and high school boys. They are everywhere with their lame talk, stupid music, and torn up shirts with crappy tribal tattoos showing. But, I needed to be there.
Last night was particularly bad. It seemed like a series of high school or college young women were there, and were in workout clothes, which turned all the men into leering, gawking, faux experts on fitness. The amount of dudes in tore up shirts and tribal tattoos that went up and talked to the young ladies was sickening. As if these young women are there on parade. Just let them work out I say.
Anyway, I was all frazzled from the insane noise, the talking, the young girls (I am not immune), and the swirl of non workout working out. By the time I got off the treadmill and over to the bench, my head was a wreck. I was bouncing, lifting with bad form, and unable to really focus on the work in front of me. I had considered leaving. I thought that it was a lost cause.
But, somehow I cleared my head. I literally shook my head like an etch a sketch. I laid there, looked up at the bar and saw only the bar. I heard only the music in my headphones, and I only cared about lifting this weight off the bench.
From then on I was able to find my center, and the workout was not terrible. I saved it. And made it worthwhile
by Dino Corvino on February 24th, 2010
Being a fat guy, I know I am not all that attractive to the ladies now. I know it, its the way it is, and I am fine with it. But, never the less, sometimes you end up with this thing that happens and you feel even less attractive than you normally would. But rather than getting lost in self loathing, which is usually fun, I went to the gym. A good solid reaction.
But, the thing with the ladies got me thinking about maturity, and the outward signifiers of them How certain people think one thing is compelling, and another thinks it is somehow a negative. There are hundreds of people who work at Non Profits around the country, and chase the do gooder work around. They get paid less, but some are passsionate about what they do, and sacrifice things to do it. They might not have a mortgage, and kids, or a big car. They might living some other way.
Are they less mature?
Maybe mature is not the right word. Is it successful?
There are things in the world that are personal signifiers of success or stability I suppose. A home you own. That ties you to a place. That is stable, I guess.
Children. That tends to tie you to something. It means something that you are raising kids. It means you value place, and other things. I am not sure over all, but I think that is somehow the case.
I was thinking about this a lot last night. And in all honesty I have no way of measuring that which is perceived as mature, versus that which is mature.
Is my friend Shawn more mature than my friend Tim? Shawn has kids. Tim has no kids. Shawn has a house. Tim has a house. Does the kids make Shawn more than Tim?
In an unrelated note, I chose to not have drama in my life. I am interested in a woman. Been for a while. Turns out she is interested in one of my friends. Not the first time this dance has been danced, and the first time it created a bit of trouble for the friend and I. The girl ended up leaving town, and the friend and I took years to get our friendship back. But, in time we got it back. I value the friendship, and do not want to see it lost.
In this case I do not think it would be lost, but, it is sort of a return to a garbage emotional landscape that I do not want to be a part of. You never want to be a third wheel. You never want to sort of watch the girl you like, like someone else. NO matter how mature you think you are, that sucks.
All of this ties into my health. In the past I would obsess over it. I would send emails and call and all sorts of nonsense. This time, I just went to the gym and tried to collect my thoughts, and then type them up here. See what I learned.
What I learned is this. Friends matter. You need to cherish them. I cherish mine.
You should be honest with your emotions. You should not choose to suffer, just because you are being a good guy. Or what you think is going to be a good guy. If your a good guy, and she tells you she likes your friend, that means she is never going to like you romatically. No matter how close of friends you are. And when that happens you have to make a choice. And I did.
And I have no idea what maturity is, how people see it, and what it all means.
by Dino Corvino on February 13th, 2010
Wow. My life has changed drastically. Last night was actually scary. Here is the story.
I was asked to fill in on WXPR, Blues Friday. I love doing it. But, in all fairness, I am not a blues guy anymore. I walked away pretty clean when I left the pub. But, I think I still have a great ear, and I think I am infinitely entertaining on the radio. So, I love doing it. 3 hours of listening to loud music never really hurts, unless it is 3 hours of Motorhead.
So, in the old days I would grab a few mountain dews, drive on up, and tear the show apart. But, now there is this Mountain Dew Amp in Grape flavor which is a wicked mistress. I just assume there is no side affects, it is just soda after all, and I am a massive dude. How will it affect my physiology? NONE.
So, I grabbed three of these things. Drank one on the way up in the car. Then had another during the show. That was fine.
I got home at about 1 am, and took my meds. I take a blood pressure thing, and a cholesterol thing, and since my shoulder was really really really really really hurting, I took the prescription paid pills.
Then next thing I know I am fading in and out of a sort of loopiness. I could feel the lightness in my head, which was a reflection that my blood pressure was lowering and then returning. I would stand up and get a little foggy. It was scary. I was actually scared.
So, I ended up staying awake until about 5 am, waiting for it to stabilize to some extend. I got a little relaxed, and climbed into bed.
It was amazing. You should NOT do that.
by Dino Corvino on February 9th, 2010
I keep coming back to the lyrics of this song today. Is someone getting the best of you? I ask myself that, and I know that is not the case. I am not in the ball park of being the best I am. I am 39 year old fat man. There is so little point in that existence on so many levels it is maddening. My life lacks passion. And I cannot tell if it is this…I gained weight because I lost the passion, or I lost the passion when I gained weight.
I do control my life. I do indeed. Today I looked at a documentary about work, and in all honesty, I looked so fat I made myself sick. Just sick. I looked like some freakish fat man you see on the street and look at like an elephant man. It was gross.
And in all honesty this could go two ways. I could just pack it in, and live and die a fat man, or I can grab my life and take it back. Either way, at 1130 am, today, i suck.
by Dino Corvino on February 8th, 2010
I have to be honest. I am spent. I hear words, and they mean nothing, I say words and they mean even less. I do not know why this happens. Why the extension into the living, is so tiring for me some days, and why my spirit is so tired.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot do anything about it. Save for stop doing some stuff. I have walked away from many things in the past years, and I feel good about it. And I am sure that I am doing the right thing. But, I still feel like this. Where all I want to do is lay under my desk, and sleep. Just sit and look at Engadget and dream about owning a HTC Hero or something as meaningless as that.
I am tired. And it makes me hard to be around, and worse that that it makes you hard to be around.
by Dino Corvino on February 5th, 2010
Today I had lunch with my friend Pat, and his wife Connie. Two of the best humans ever. And two people that are inspirational in a lot of ways. I am lucky in that way, I find that inspiration often, and everywhere. I am truly blessed in that manner. I could make a list of people who have meant everything to me, and have made my life better for being in it. But, I fear that list would be everyone I have ever met. You have all mattered so much to me.
I started to take a look at my daily life with this blogging project, and then thought about some of the things that have moved me, and I am failing even myself. My interests are pedestrian, and somehow I dislike the things that I am passionate about. I have lost the desire or rather, I have lost the pursuit of adventure. My daily life is tame, my nightlife is tame, and all the rest. It has been years since someone punched me, or I have loved passionately, or even been open to being punched or loved. I know that has to change. But, like everything else, I have to reclaim the idea on my own.
I have to have adventures. I have to find that, I have to be awake for more ours. I have to connect to it.
To inspire me I have taken on a reading list of adventure books. Hopefully I can get them all done by April 1. And then I can start spring with a vengeance.
so, here they are…and I got them all at Et Al’s in Wausau.
Beyond the Hundredth Meridian by Wallace Stegner
Stanley by Tim Jeal
Shackleton by Roland Huntford
Tenzing: Hero of Everest by Ed Douglas
Chatwin by Nicholas Shakespeare
The Last Season by Eric Blehm
The Strange Last Voyage of Donald Crowhurt by Eric Blehm
Marco Polo: From Venice to Xanadu by Laurence Bergreen
The Wildest Dream by Peter and Leni Gillamn
I hope these books move me. I hope I can become more like my friend Andrew Wichman. I want to see the world again.
by Dino Corvino on January 19th, 2010
I think one of the things I struggle with most on this journey is distraction. I am easily distracted, sucked into dinner meetings, time away from the gym, and into a bad meal choice. I simply cannot whip out a chicken breast at Noodles and Company over a lunch meeting. So, I find myself trying to minimize the damage, and the rest.
I find this sort of distraction to be constant. I need to constantly remain vigilant, because I have a long journey ahead of me. I feel like I am getting progress, but I am not moving far enough. I need to strip it all away, and find the meaning in it.
I changed my HUSK pattern, and like the new way of doing it. And I shall be in bed by 11 pm tonight. Thank you universe for Randall and Kristy
by Dino Corvino on January 18th, 2010
So, for the first time in a long time, I see a change in my own face. I totally dig it. I look like I have lost weight, which makes me so very happy. Clearly the plan put together by Exercise Authorities, and Randall, changing my life. I feel and am so much healthier. Today I took my vitamin ration very early in the day, with almonds. What is nice about that, in the afternoon I did not have the spiking pee color going on. While that is cool in a childish way, over all one does not want to do that.
I also am going to return to the music column this week, in The City Pages. I have it mostly done now, but want to go to sleep in about 5 minutes, so you are just going to bear with me.
I am working very hard at work now, and a lot is on my plate. So, I am feeling stress that way. But, every now and again I shut the door of my office and stretch, and I feel amazingly better.
My workouts are also at a whole new level. I am sore these days. SORE. How cool is that.
by Dino Corvino on January 16th, 2010
For two days I have had some real pain in my left shoulder. Not weakness yet, but pain. About a 6 out of ten. Limited strength, limited range of motion. Sort of weak after the work out, or exertion. Not a big deal thought. At the gym tonight I did back, and some shoulders. And it came along nicely, but for fun I wanted to bench a little. And that just was too much. It is not a pain, or a blockage, just a sort of really locallized dull pain.
It will be fine.
I did stomach tonight for a long time. The Silent Revolution is not a good thing, in public.
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