My hands are freezing cold. Seriously, cold. I am pretty unsure as to what to do here, and I am scared about typing this stuff, but I think I should in some way. Just to really find out about being open, and being fair. I am so scared right now, it is not fun. The fear is not going to go away, and I am afraid and I am just afraid. I normally want to put on my headphones, escape, run away, whatever. But I need to find a way, I have to do this, I have to do this tonight. So I am just going to start.
I have a son.
There. I said it outloud for the whole world to read.
His name is Conner. He is 8 and a half.
I saw Conner the day he was born, and I am going to meet Conner in a few weeks. For the first time.
I am really scared.
His mother and I talk on the phone from time to time, mostly about my being a bad guy, which in this case I am. I write to Conner, and he writes to me, and the thing is I do not think about the patience of an 8 year old, and I do not write often enough, and it upsets him. Then it upsets his mom.
There is no way for me to be right, or honorable in this situation. I am just a crappy guy. I feel so small in this moment.
So, his mother tells me that he is an amazing boy. The letters I get are that of an amazing boy. She tells me about him in school, his dog, hockey, and all of it. She tells me that to know him is to love him. She tells me that his teachers think he is awesome, and smart and kind. I believe her. She is a good person, and I am sure who she is rubbed off on him.
So your asking yourself, why didn’t you see him? I could make up some crap really, about this or that. I don’t want to. I want something different for me now. I want to be honest. It is strange, I found out her folks read this, and I am sure hate me. They probably don’t hate me, and that makes me hate me. They are probably good people, strong people, kind people, and I screwed it up.
Why didn’t I see him? My eyes are blurring. Wow.
I was scared. His mom is convinced I am selfish. I was selfish. Now I am just scared. I feel like I am going to pass out, right here. In the basement. Never passed out before, so that might be cool.
I was scared of her, and am scared of her.
I was scared of doing the wrong thing, so I did nothing.
I was scared of changing. I was happy living with that door to my life closed. All of my close friends over the years know about it, they know I do not talk about it. For all the pretense of my open life, that door is closed. It was nailed shut until tonight.
Now its open.
I have a son, that I am going to meet this month. I have a son that is smart, and reads well, and writes me letters. I have a son that plays hockey, and loves his mom and step dad.
I do not know what to say, but it is an amazing feeling to be here right now. That is pretty much it. I do not really have any other doors.
Fat guy.
8 year old son I never met.
Trying to not be a bad adult.
His mom is pretty cool too. She worked her way through college, now works in health care. Raises a son. Has a new marriage. All I can do is screw that up, I think. She knows better than me though.
If I did not tell you friends sooner, I am sorry. I do not take it lightly, and I do not want to be a bad guy and say the wrong thing. I even got her permission to write about it here. She said her cousins tell her about the site.
I was a bad guy for a long time to her and Conner I suppose with my absence. I am 37, I wonder if there is any hope for me. I wonder if this was a part of a plan. I went to long trusting in others, now I want to do something. I want to do the right thing in this. I just do not for the life of me, know what that is?
So this month, it changes for me. Even more change.
ash122
5:25 am on March 4th
Dino,
Your writing always makes me laugh, ponder and sometimes cry. As a single mom with a great 12 year old I just want to tell you that you’ve taken the first step towards not being the bad guy you think you are but being a responsible father. Children have amazing resilience and see the world so much clearer than we as adults often do. If your son thought you were the terrible person you imagine yourself to be, then he wouldn’t be writing and wanting to me you. This is your chance to act SELFLESS…to love yourself enough to make your son your priority. It will only cost you your time. Write one less blog entry and one more letter to your son each month…make that your priority and you’ll be surprised how much easier it gets. Please remember, “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear.”
Lisa Shilts
6:47 am on March 4th
Wow – I never saw that one coming! You are right, there are no excuses; you were very selfish. Fortunately, it sounds like things have worked out well for Connor and his mom, which will make it easier for you to step back in their lives. Maybe that made it easy to step away.
As everyone else will tell you, all you can do now is go forward and do what you know is right. I think it will be easier than you think. Kids are very forgiving and just want you to love them and spend time with them. Don’t you think it’s great that he plays hockey!
But as you said, “I was scared of doing the wrong thing, so I did nothing”. Now it’s time to do what is right, and I know you will. Keep us posted.
Tom Neal
7:25 am on March 4th
This is excellent, really. As soon as I read in your post that you had a son, my first reaction, before reading anything else, was “cool!” You have all the potential for a new friend in your life. Kids make great friends. Eight-year-old kids don’t hold grudges (they don’t even know what a grudge is); they look for the fun side of everything. Don’t linger on what you did or didn’t do, or what this or that person thinks about it. Forget the grown-ups. Just make the most of this chance to have a new friend. Wow … 8-1/2 … you can have a lot of fun. And years of it, before he becomes a rotten teenager! And, even teenagers can be a lot of fun.
Alex
8:03 am on March 4th
I have an eerily similar story. If you ever need to talk …
Dino Corvino
11:39 am on March 4th
Thank you guys. I am sure I need to talk.
Dino Corvino
12:05 pm on March 4th
I think for me, the primary concern I have is not about anything other than doing damage. His mom and I have a pretty complicated relationship, made far worse by my irresponsiblity, and I am unsure as to how to balance that relationship with the amazing opportunity it will be to meet Conner.
I can’t say enough how interesting it is. I have a few photos of him, and I actually carry one with me. But its different, its harder for me because of my unsure-ness.
I try to do the right thing by his mom, and I try to make up for it when I fall behind financially, but sometimes it is hard.
Thanks for your support.
ash122
5:43 pm on March 4th
Dino,
While it is important to be financially responsible for your child…life happens at that’s not always the easiest thing to do…but FIRST you must always be emotionally responsible and that starts with making yourself emotionally available to your wonderful son and being the very best friend as Tom said and father as the rest of us have said to him. You will find that by being the emotionally for him and in turn for his mother because you will be following through on what you say you are going to do…the rest will come easily. It’s easier to forgive a late or missed payment when the person being late (in this case you) isn’t hurting your child by ignoring him or not following through. Your son isn’t hurt nearly by the missed payment as he is by a missed call or forgotten response back to his letters. You need to make the leap and say, I will make getting to know my son my number one priority and when I promise or tell him something I will keep my word! You’ll be amazed by the wonderful gift of what having him in your life will bring to your days and your life will never be the same (you’ll soon wonder how you survived without him!)
Alex
6:10 pm on March 4th
Dino,
I too have a son. His mother most likely still hates me. I let his mother adopt him with her new husband. It was better he grow up in that environment, and not in mine. I was a horrible person for it as well. Treasure the letters and the visit. These are things I will probably never get nor deserve. I feel your pain everyday. You are far more of a man having admitted it to the world, than I will ever be.
oldwoodchair
9:13 pm on March 4th
Dino: This is a tough question, but I think sometimes the bandage has to be ripped off to see how the wound is doing…so I’ll ask it…feel free to ignore it if you wish. (And I could very well be full of crap..or is that crapp?)
One glaring question (a lot of questions, but one stood out) came to my mind when I read your story….does your experience as a son have any relation to your expectations (doubts/fears?) of being a father?
Dino Corvino
9:24 pm on March 4th
Chair…it very well might. I would never measure up to the man that he was, so, I have no idea. It was a brutal balance between that, and an overwhelming desire to please him.
For me, now, though I do not think that is it. I think that the larger part is to do no damage to the boy. For so long the relationship with his mom was difficult for me, and I was not in a place to be with a little boy. She knew it.
I think Conner grows up in a great home, with two loving adults. His extended family seems like a loving bunch. I feel that any entanglement in that would just be destructive on my part.
Lisa Stahl
9:37 pm on March 4th
Wow, Dino. It’s never too late to make connections. At 39, I’m slowly becoming friends with my absent parent who was absent against her wishes. I feel lucky that I now have a chance to get to know her. It feels weird and uncomfortable at times, but it’s worth it. You’ll do fine.
oldwoodchair
10:29 pm on March 4th
Thanks for answering that question. I think many sons struggle with the idea of measuring up to their dad…it’s an alpha wolf pack thing perhaps. At any rate, I’m glad to see that you recognize and appreciate that Conner has a good secure life where he is.
However, (and here comes the inevitable advice part)I believe it’s vital for him to know his dad…who you really are with all your faults and insecurities…but despite all the issues you deal with in your own life, you care about him, and will be there for him when he needs you….and that you VALUE him as a person and as a son. I think that’s all that kids really want…the acceptance from the people in their lives…it sustains them as they grow. (The kid in all of us still searches for that.)
Dino: begin by accepting your imperfect self.
oldwoodchair
10:31 pm on March 4th
Geez, we are all so wise…and we offer FREE therapy!!
Dino Corvino
10:53 pm on March 4th
Chair…so Conner has a stable life, is this sort of thing not upsetting the cart? Taking an unneded risk?
anonemoose
5:41 am on March 5th
Dino,
You have received much good advice and many kind words from other posters. Please take to heart what is being offered by all. Here is my take on your latest news. I have a new mantra for you – “for the sake of the child.” This is in no way to replace your “I am worth it” mantra for getting you out of bed in the morning, it will be more beneficial in dealing with situations revolving around your son and his mother.
I have no idea what your relationship is with Conner’s mother but please, above all else, keep it civil for the sake of the child. If there happen to be moments of incivility please let it be when Conner is not around – for the sake of the child. Do not place him in the middle of any disputes that may occur – again, for the sake of the child. Love him with all your heart and soul – for the sake of the child.
I could go on and on but I think you can get my point. I wish you all the best.
moose
Jane Neal
8:39 am on March 5th
Dino: No one, and especially no child, can have too many people who love and care about them in his or her life. Being there, even if it starts out slow and steady, is not going to “upset a cart.” It will do much more good than harm.
Not being there, refusing to be there, choosing to not be there… those are, I think, the messages you are choosing to stop sending.
Bravo.
Dino Corvino
11:08 am on March 5th
I have never refused anything.
oldwoodchair
8:43 pm on March 5th
Fab: geez, we were so focused on Dino…I’m ashamed to say I passed right over your reveal to us…I apologize.
Though I know nothing about your situation, it sounds like you made a selfless grown-up decision for the best of the kid…a decision that was life-affecting for you. Anytime you want to share, we’re here to listen.
allsmiles
12:11 am on March 6th
Dino,
You did a wonderful job explaining yourself. I loved all the positive attention you have received. You have the support of your friends; make sure you use it. Hopefully you are not all hot air and will use some of it. The thing is, I am proud of you. As crazy as it sounds, it is true. I never would have thought you would of bared your soul the way you did. Unfu**ing believable.