Looking around for something, anything
Last night was a shock to my system. I think that it is most hard to love oneself. I did not expect this to be real writing, I thought I would write about treadmills and sit ups, and pounds and over eating. It is truly a strange thing to allow the wave to break, and realize that often times your on a surfboard just fine.
The thing with Conner is this, I do NOT doubt anything. I am confident that I can in fact do whatever comes around the bend. The things is, that I have a relationship with his mom that I am not sure how to navigate. We met each other at crazy times in our lives, did a thing. I try, and she and I need to find balance. Or do we? What relationship do I need to have with her?
Its easy to say, you just need to respect her or each other. I think I know that. I know I know that. I do respect her. I know I do. I know that more often than not I like her. But to say that we have a contentious relationship is an understatement. I respect her, I know she is a good mom, and good person.
So, I also want to make something really clear. I have no desire to impose anything on this. I think it is easy to think that imposing is in fact being strong, I see it the other way. I see that as an act of forcing myself into something. Conner has a good life, with a good male figure, and a great mom. I am letting his mom decide on the terms of this, as she knows better than me. I have real and valid concerns, and it is NOT my place to impose what I think about a child that I have not taken any part in raising. I do not know if I have any sort of role in his life in the future as well. These are things that she will decide. Not me.
I do not want to talk about it that much anymore. I do not want to let this blog become something other than what I intended it to be. I look at my health, like I am in rehab, and I am working each day on my sobriety. Some days I fail, and eat buffalo wings, somedays I do it.
Today I hit 1800 calories perfectly. It was awesome to push portion control to a razor sharp edge.
I spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike tonight. I like it, but it is the simplest thing schwinn ever made, a big wheel, a seat, and some pedals. I am sure at the time, it was cutting edge, but it has an adjustable tension thing.
I love it though. The act of spinning the pedals, and listening to podcasts, well that is something special.
Tonight….
Right now, my focus is mornings. To make the morning something that is easier, and slower. I cannot get past the grab and go breakfast. Tonight I was at the store with my mother, and I thought about oatmeal. OATMEAL. that takes like 3 hours to make in the morning I think. Just joking.
But I really want to work harder on morning ritual, and standardization.
Thank you.
Dino Corvino said:
Man I have a big nose.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:24 pm #
oldwoodchair said:
Did I just hear a door shut?
March 5th, 2008 at 8:14 pm #
Dino Corvino said:
Thats what I think it was. We were like a half mile out on the ice, and all of sudden she just hears a mouse fart or something, and kapow.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:16 pm #
oldwoodchair said:
Kapow is a pretty strong shut.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:39 pm #