Tonight the music is a steady diet of The Bright Eyes. I want to try to guide myself to sleep in the next half our. I have turned down the lights, have brushed my teeth, now I will do this and wash my face, and hopefully feel the sleepy fairies come along. I doubt it, but I hope so.
I think I am taking this weight loss thing the way people see rehab. My eating and life was out of control, and I need to make it simple as hell. I need to make all the parts of my life responsible and accountable. I need to apply that to my finances, my work, my whole thing. Its strange. I need to control myself, and that concept applies to my whole life.
I find the reaction to the Conner thing to be most telling. Today I had what I can only describe as a negative reaction from someone I was friendly with. It is amazing. I was no different a person the day before than I am today, but am treated differently.
My friend Lisa told me I should not talk about doing number 2 anymore. I think she is right, but as someone who is new to this process, the change in that part of my life is just as significant as anything else I think.
Last night was a heavy night of sleep. Powerful in its depths. Do you ever have that, where the sleep seems deeper and in some ways heavier? Me and El Hershbo were both like rocks.
I am sorry about the lack of self portraits, but in a lot of ways I am not that intersted in them, I have taken enough pictures of myself in a great hooded sweatshirt. No one needs to see that. I think I should take the camera with me more often. I suppose that might be interesting.
I found another good reason for the photos. My Dad had a similar thing as me, but he went away to a hospital for a long time, and was even more structured. I found a polaroid they took of him during intake, and when he went back 2 years later for more help. It was amazing. He does not even look like the same guy. So much better.
I am going to try to add some stuff to the blog roll here.
I also think I am done reading cowboy books for a while. I am reading Craig Ventners biography now. He decoded DNA.
allsmiles
5:05 am on March 6th
How are you treated different? You have a new outlook on your life; it might be you who are acting different and people are responding as such. If not and you are being treated negatively, all I can advise is turn the other cheak. You are going through a serious growth spurt and don’t need anyone or anything getting in the way of what is important right now.
Tom Neal
7:44 am on March 6th
I’ve been enjoying your weight-loss series (even with excretory references, which I just breeze right past, holding my breath) and I like the way your life in general is woven into the narrative of your regimen. Because, losing that weight is not just a separate part of your life; it’s linked to your most fundamental self. Every aspect of your life impacts, and is impacted by, your weight-loss program: family, friendships, habits, philosophy, demeanor, hobbies, experiences, memories, plans, anger, elation, boredom, wardrobe. What have I left out? Doesn’t matter. This is an all-encompassing experience and relating it within the context of life, instead of as a clinical journal, gives relevance that everyone should be able to appreciate and learn from. Getting from “before” to “after” is a highly complex process … thanks for putting it out there.
Dino Corvino
4:59 pm on March 6th
it was not really a negative thing, like no one kicked me in the shin or something.
But, the tone of someone who read this was differant, and short. It made me feel weird.