One learns Lessons over and over again
I think along the way, my body became used to 1800 calories, and now it is sort of second nature. I feel overwhelmed in the gut when I eat too much, so that is nice. I do not see that much change, except in my shoulders and neck. So that is a bit disappointing.
But more than that, this night when doing my meditation and breath work, I was confronted with a recurring thought. I have not learned my lessons well.
By that I mean I have not learned things that have been clearly taught to me emotionally over and over again. I have even internally commented on the lesson, when I thought it prior, and said something like…See Dino that was the last time. But it never is. It never ever is. No matter how unhappy some relationships make me, no matter how bad they are, I often find myself reaching out to them.
So, now I am writing it here in this blog, in the hopes that my typing it will make it better. The lesson is that I have people or relationships in my life that are bad. They are negative, one sided, often predatory and humiliating relationships that I have held onto because I have been ruderless. Without rudder and direction, one is left often in the hinterlands, and has to take on whatever is in front of one.
That is a handful of relationships in my life. They are marked primarily by long periods of non interaction, marked by my seeking out that friend for some hollow interaction in my time of need, and being met with even more superficial or unresponsive action. These are not the actions of a friend or in my case a healthy spirit.
These relationships are also often marked with a one sided expense. These folks know some of the rules or guidelines I have for myself, and in many cases exploit those and rarely if ever reciprocate. Often I am left expending something, and it is to anothers benefit, and nothing is returned to me. In short, I give and I give, and I never get. But, that is melodramatic.
The nice thing is I was reminded of this tonight while glancing at facebook.com. I happened upon a message from one person to another, and it reminded me that the intimacy between these two, that I assumed was something I shared, was in fact not part of my life. Or theirs.
Please do not think I am feeling sorry for myself. In fact that is not the case. But what is the case is the reminder of what is a true friend, and what is not. What is a intimate relationship, and what folks are simply looking for something for themselves and know that moving me this way or that will get them what they want.
I am glad that I have true friends in my life. Friends that show themselves to me in this case by refusing gifts of any kind from me no matter how small. I realize now that the refusal is a good thing. That those true friends are showing me that they they want to be my friend for my friendship, not for the items or gifts I give.
So thank you true friends.
One must address the solution element to all of these lessons. I think this lesson is great and difficult. The lesson demands that I cull these faux friendships from my life, and internalize them as business relationships, and that is hard. It is also hard to not reach out to these relationships when I am sad and lonely. So I must work on that myself.
Thank you universe, and thank you facebook for that eveer so sly lesson.
oldwoodchair said:
So what is your definition of a true friend?…what must a true friend provide, how must they react, what must they say or do (or not say/not do)? How do you read and recognize a true friend?
Just curious.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:26 pm #
Dino Corvino said:
Chair,
I shall flip the question. I understand the question, and all that, but I think I will come at it in another way.
I have had some experiences recently that has shown me what a friend is NOT. Or rather, and more importantly, a mistake in my thinking to label and think of someone as a friend when in fact they are not.
Its not really about blame, or looking outward, but rather a real need to change how I feel and how I process the people in my life in ways that allow me to be positive.
Does that make sense?
I have had experiences with people recently, and honestly for years, where I have effectively paid out to have someone in my life. That it has been a long running sort of expense over time. And it has been something that I have willingly given until this point, but that fact remains that there are people, several, who have profited directly from me.
Money has left my pocket, and entered theirs.
While I might be in fact paying for a service, I had mistakenly over time thought I was supporting a friend. And that friendship would transcend the end of my being able to pay. So, from that I had thought that they would be aorund me, when I needed something. When I asked for help. But, I was soundly rejected by those who I thought were friends in my time of need.
I think it also is in the little things. The high school self loathing thing. Having a party, maybe we should invite Dino. Yeah, he never comes, but maybe he likes getting invited.
I just need to be positive. I need to seek that out.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:55 pm #