As I gained this weight, and I gained a lot of weight, the one over riding emotional response to it was shame. I felt ashamed that I was gaining the weight, that my depression made my eating out of control, that I was unable to curb the one thing I knew in my head was wrong. The process of gaining the weight is a giant contradiction. We all know how we gain weight, we consume more calories than we expend. We stop exercising, and we start eating whole bags of Oreos, or whatever your drug of choice is.
For me, I do not even know when it started. I remember being aware of having nothing to do on Tuesdays, and on Tuesdays sleeping for 20 hours. I was single, alone, and all the rest. I was just lost, and these choices led me to gain weight, and the gaining of weight led me to be more depressed, which led me to be more ashamed, and that shame made me want to be alone. Being along, I wanted to ease that pain, and instead of becoming addicted to running, I ate.
So I knew it was bad, and I could not stop, and I got MAD. I gained a whole new level of anger. If you have known me my whole life, you would have to acknowledge that I am a passionate cat. But, suddenly that passion turned inward, and that passion turned to anger. My depression and my isolation fueled that anger. And those of you who have known me for a short time have known that anger to be overwhelming, and one of the least effective things about me.
My anger has created situations in my life that are both unacceptable for me, and for others. I have created these things, and I have lived with the consequences, but the consequences have led me to more anger. So, again, the reality is that I create something, and I get angry that the thing I create then creates something else.
And for me, the anger is a strange thing. It is not like you have seen me in a bar, punching a dude in the face. Or stealing your momma’s jewelry. But, my anger creates in me this under current of resentment, ALL THE TIME.
Today was a good day. This was a good week. I spent time with my mentor, and we talked about how I can choose to put it down. I can make that choice. I can seek out fun, I can seek out happiness. I can do the thing that I have needed to do for years, I can stop looking at the bad side. I can embrace the process in others, like I do in myself.
Last night I did my radio show, and NO ONE called in. Usually I get ten calls in three hours about my taste in music, my opinions of blues, whatever. I used to love that, it proved to me that I was right. It proved to me all the things I was saying when I was 14 and hanging out with Laura and Steve Osswald, and Todd Trowbridge.
But, I am 38. None of those things apply. Its funny, I am actually typing this with tears in my eyes, at the brilliance that I feel around my mentor and in my new relationships.
So today, I went to the Y. I went to the Y with the intent of working my body to a point of exhaustion, then I was going to get in the steam room (even without my reporter buddy). You see, for me, I think that my anger is in my skin, and in my body. I needed a sort of ritualistic purging. To be empty. To actively seek to empty myself of all of that anger.
It’s not an easy thing. I am not sure what is going to happen, or who I will be in this year. But, I know that I needed to put down the anger. I needed to put down the anger so someday I could put down the shame. I needed to put down the shame so I can truly lose the weight in a healthy way and love myself. Because, I do not love myself now. And if I can break on part of the cycle of shame to anger to shame to eating to shame to anger to whatever the hell, then that is a positive step.
We live in a world that tells us one thing that shows us another thing, and reinforces nothing other than the third thing. I think that the struggle to get my health back in 2009 is based on releasing that anger, releasing that shame, and doing the things that I know feel good and right. Making mindful choices.
Each day, that is the goal. And I think today was an okay day in that regard. I picked one thing, and I released it to the world. And the universe can do with it what it wants. I do not want that one piece of anger anymore.
