I think in the past I have collected, and maintained unhealthy relationships like a young boy collects sea monkeys. I had people in my life and our relationships were horribly one sided. I would be aware of this, and I would try to make changes or I would get angry, and it would end up with my trying to control people. I knew the friendship was bad, but if I was just in charge or control people would be better friends and everything would work better for all of us.
I think that this was manifested most in my friendship with Tom Jordan. The cat from Mean Tooth Grin. We met when we both worked at the Daily Herald. We became fast friends, and spent all our time together. I think Tom even bailed me out of jail once.
Over the years Tom has been an absent friend, and I have been lonely and missed him. We actually used to have a pattern, that we would do really well, hang out often. Then suddenly Tom would pull back because of business or World of Warcraft, and I would get angry. I would call a few times, and he would not call me back. Then, we would talk and I would start a fight. Then a few days later I would apologize.
This went on for maybe a year. Then, Tom got lung cancer. I realized how important Tom was to me, and from that came a real evaluation of the folks around me.
You see, there was a time not long ago when my life was different. It was nocturnal, cash based, and lets just say, not good. People like Shawn Sullivan came into my life, and was a hugely calming influence, and Shawn was able to be my friend and keep a clear head and see it without passion, and remain my friend.
During this time, during this change, I reached out to my friends. I wanted to be embraced by my friends, and I wanted them to encourage me and my happiness. The problem was, my change was a giant departure from that nocturnal life. And in the change, I felt that I was not supported by my circle of friends. Normally, I would say that is self centered, but my new life shows me that was accurate.
So, I tried to walk away from people. Inevitably I would not call them, and inside I would resent them for not calling me. If I was their friend, they would call. So with each passing day, I would get angry. Then I would explode, and I would call them and start fight. This was immature, and it did not make sense with who I wanted to be.
Then I spent some time alone, and then I spent some time with an entreprenurial friend. I got a mentor, and went back to the gym and the library.
Just about 6 months ago this all sort of clicked for me. I realized that I could put the phone down, I did not have to call someone on the way home, I did not need to check in. And if a person did not check in with me, well it was not a statement about me. It was just what it was.
Then I took it further, and I started cutting people out of my life. Out of my phone, my email list, my life. Out of my soul. I was glad to have them gone. They were one way friends, and as a result their absence was not noticed.
The things is this, if they are not your friends, no matter how lonely you are, they are just harming you. They are just taking from you, putting into you, or whatever, just bad things.
And this negativity was increased by my negative angry nature. The dislocated passion that sent me off into anger, that was what was fed by these bad friendships. And I learned that I can be happy with good friends who I see less often, who embrace me, who support me and demand me be a better person.
I am lucky to have Andy Laub in my life. I am blessed each day by being friends with Cheryl Mathis. Shawn Sullivan will be by my side when I am in a sick bed at age 100. Joe Johnson is a tireless running buddy, and a trusted member of my family. The people at the City Pages are blessings each time I go in there…April, Lisa, Tammy, Pat, Brian, Kathy, Malibu and Eric…and the new people who I just met. My co workers Frances and Sue and Ellen and Jan and Ruth and Kay. I learn so much, and you all enrich me.
I am thirty eight, and I think I have finally figured out what a friend is.
And my best friend Scott Holt.
Timothy Pickett
12:37 am on May 15th
I have some understanding of what you may feel about friends and the releasing of them. I’ve been doing the same thing over the last ten years or so, Dino. I am now to the point that I really have no close friends left, down deep I think I want it that way.
In my case…I cannot disappoint or hurt anyone if I do not let them remain in my world anymore. I live a solitary life and that feeds my enormous lack of self esteem, a problem I have dealt with throughout my life.
On a personal side…I believe that I am not a good friend to you. For example,you have tried to get me to use my “voice” graciously and I haven’t done a damn thing to repay that trust. It isn’t that I do not want to write articles, be a better citizen nor have a say in the world around me, I just have no confidence in what I write is worthy or it plainly isn’t what I really want to say. I try to write an article or just leave a comment on these forums… I really do Dino… I get halfway done and give up because I feel it just isn’t what down deep I want to express. For this I am sorry, truly sorry.
Don’t cut yourself from ALL of the people that you truly trust and cherish, it is no way to live a happy life… I know.
Lisa Shilts
6:26 am on May 15th
Most of my best and dearest friends are those I rarely see, but are there for me when I need them.
And we wish you would stop by the office more!