Over the last few months I have grown a lot. I have intentionally taken my time, explored the map before I chose a road to walk down and I think it has paid off. All of that though was cancelled out last night. I fell victim to a relapse into self pity, which quickly turned to anger. I think the stimuli that brought this emotional response were in fact insulting of me, and disrespectful of me as a human, but I do not know why this should have led me here.
The fact is, I cannot control the actions of others. I can simply present the best version of me, and when that happens then I am living up to my end of all implied or actual social contracts. But for me, the next question is always the WHY question. Why did this happen? What did I do? How did I offend person X? So, the thing is that when you have these situations come up, and already have issues like weight and shame, these are reinforcing negative patterns. Arent they?
We do not want such patterns, I do not think. These sorts of patters lead to the consumption of 10 corn dogs, and giant vats of sugary soda. And from that comes side stepping the proper healthy way to see our life.
So how do we proceed? My friend Eric would tell you that I tend to stay home. Which I do. From my friend Aaron Scharmer I learned that when I venture out I should look together and that has power to it. But, from the rest of the world sometimes we learn that we are a fat piece of crap, and no one ‘actually’ wants to spend time with you. And then we go and get a gallon of ice cream, and put a stop to all the healthy growth that you had going.
So, what have I learned? What change can I point to now? Well the positive is this…the path is based on faith. Because if it was not based on faith things like the above lesson would not happen if we had not chosen them to. What else? The world still happens TO YOU. No matter how much shit we put forth about the world is ours to control, and we only make the things happen that we want to have happen…well, the lesson most recently learned is not the lesson I would have chosen. You know why? CUZ IT FRIGGIN HURT. It hurt like a little child. I wanted to be liked, I felt unliked, and that hurts.
But, with faith comes the idea that this is the right path. That the map, though muddled, makes some sense. That I am liked, that I might know a thing or two, and maybe the world is wrong, that maybe other people are cruel and just as self serving as you once were. This act of faith that means turning my life into something else, well that is an important act of faith. No matter how much it sucks.