I have often lamented the same thing, in the same way, but last week Andy taught me a lesson. Andy taught me that sometimes people see questions differently than I see them. This lesson came unintentionally, and I do not think Andy was trying to teach me a lesson, but I learned something and I totally have him to blame for it.
In the past, I have often gone up north, and I tend to invite everyone I know in one form or another. Universally no one ever comes, and often times that is a saddening rejection. But, that is not what Andy taught me about.
You see, I care for Andy very much. He is a good friend. I know he likes me, and that is the basis for a good friendship. Often times when I have invited him in the past to things, it has frustrated him. You see, I have not taken the time to ask if he was free, instead I simply offer up this other thing.
And while Andy did not say it, I think sometimes that sort of presumption is off putting to some people. I did not get it, I just thought it was a simple invitation, but it is not. Some people do not like to tell their friends no, and as a result they feel some discomfort.
I learned that instead of just asking them to come up north, I should ask if they are free, then if they are free, then invite them. It shows just that little bit more of attention paying, and that will make me a better friend.
Thanks for the lesson Andy.
Sherry L. de Alvarez
3:12 pm on June 17th
The husband and I were just having this conversation the other night. He, like you, is always very well-meaning in the invitations that he extends to others. But he tends to “invite” by saying things like: “You should just come with us to…” or “You need to come with us when we…” Because people we know are generally nice and tend to like Javier, even if they prickle at the way he states his invitation, they know that he means well. But the other night I noticed someone ruffling at the way he worded his invitation: “You should come with us tomorrow to…” When I explained to him later that his invitation wasn’t really even a question to the invitee, but rather almost a command, it didn’t provide that person a way to accept it or even reject it politely. He responded that he had not really ever thought about it that way and that he was going to try to be more conscious of the way he asked people to do stuff. Now, I’m not trying to say that I had to tell him how to do something because I know everything. I just wanted to agree with you, Dino, that often times the way we say or do something makes sense to us b/c in our own heads we know our intentions, but it is important to try to see our words and actions from the point of view of others who aren’t in our heads and hearts.