Citizen Wausau

Shame is Part of This

by Dino Corvino on August 24th, 2009

This process for me started a while ago, the process of losing weight.  I made a decision a while ago that I needed help, that I needed structure, that I needed to surrender to the idea that I am not the best suited for this sort of discipline.  I went to the Aspirus Weight Management program, worked with a dietician and a doctor, and I have had success that I am proud of.  I am proud of the weight that I have lost, and the changes I have made.  I have not made all the changes I want, and have not lost weight as fast as I want, but I have made positive strides.
This weekend something came up that made me think about this in a new way.  You see I like to walk to the top of Rib Mountain.  I choose a ski run that was suggested to me by my ever absent buddy Shawn Sullivan, and I progress slowly up to the top.  It takes a long time, and is in fact very difficult.  It gets easier each time, but there is nothing graceful or socially acceptable about how I do it.  I am a big sweaty hairy beast walking up a really tall hill.  That would never impress a girl like a thin boy on a surfboard.
Recently I have developed what I would call a circle of friends.  These are amazingly supportive and fun friends.  I feel affection from them, and great affection for them.  I am sure that they do not judge me, and only want the best for me.  But my personal shame is always going to be with me.
I invited my main man Rob Mentzer to come to the hill with me a few months ago.  We went, and he just scurried right up it, while I labored my way to the top.  I was slightly embarrased but nothing too bad.  Along the way we have added his wife, my CW partner and his partner, Katie Rosenberg, and Pat Peckham.  It is a great time when we all get together, and I care for them all very much.
The first time we were all together as a group, I stopped about 3/4 of the way up.  My heart was pounding, and honestly I did not feel like I had much left in me to make it up there.  So, I sat and waited.  Over the course of the next few weeks my friend Pat sent me emails of encouragement in regards to ALL OF US making it to the top of the hill together.  They were someplace between life coach and football coach, and he meant well with it.
What I came to realize Sunday morning was that fat people feel shame.  I have to say that as a fat guy, and a not always fat guy, I feel ashamed at the state I am in.  No one wants to be obese, and no one wants to be a hinderance to their friends.  The reality is, and it is hard for me to write, I am a fat guy who does not want to be a fat guy.  My weight happened without my looking, several years in a desk job, combined with the death of my father and the ensuing depression, and kapow I am 100 pounds heavier.  My clothes are fat guy clothes, but in my closet are all my clothes from before.  Looking at me like talismans of shame.
On the hill, I was the slowest guy.  Pausing often because I am carrying an internal backpack of my own size up a hill.  I was ashamed of this.  And a good part of my life is lived in this sort of shameful state.  Knowing that my size affects what people see, and limits me.  I know all of that.  As fat people we experience that sort of shame all the time I think.
But, what I also learned is this…I have the best friends.  I have supportive, caring, nurturing friends who like me for me, and want to see me do better.  They want to be encouraging positive forces in my life, and I love them for that.
I am not interested in experiencing too much of the shame, but I think we shall have that.  My choices now are my choices.  I am a fat guy, but I am a fat guy trying to be healthy and smaller.  While I do have this shame in my life, and it is real and valid, I also have blessings like only the luckiest of people have.
Thank you Pat Peckham, Laura Scudiere, Robert Mentzer, Andy Laub, Abe Gabor, and Katie Rosenberg for helping me learn this lesson Sunday.