Citizen Wausau

Quitting Can Be Great for the Soul

by Dino Corvino on September 28th, 2009

I gave up. I just simply threw my hands in the air, and gave up. I released control to the universe, and I just gave up. This morning on the ride into work, I decided it was all over with. I was washing my hands of the whole thing, getting rid of it, throwing it aside. Letting it go completely.

Normally, given my ease at slipping into some narcissistic self loathing diatribe, that might lead people to roll their eyes and stop reading. But, dear reader, if you have gotten this far, then something good might happen. This might be different. One can never tell can they.

The reality of my life has been, for a while now, a search for acceptance.   A desire to be involved, to do good work, and to be respected for those efforts.  Some how that has been morphed into something else, a insane need for control of people ideas vision and reality.  It has led me to be involved in stuff I do not care about, and resentful of stuff that I am not a part of. A hyper controlling, pent up rage full human being who is as likely to help out, as to lash out.

It has led me to be a part of some stuff that I honestly do not care about. But, I see it as a part of an over all vision, and as such I give my time over to things like that, and get resentful. The resentment and poor time control leads to the continuation of bad sleeping habits, bad eating habits, and surely high blood pressure. I miss workouts, and I simply do not get what I need done for myself, on my journey done.

Here is an example. Let us say I have volunteered to help out on something, anything. I go to a meeting, do some work, make a contribution, and then meeting ends. I feel like I have done well, that the people there will like me, and respect my work. A few days pass, and I hear nothing from anyone. I start to get concerned. Then, I start to covertly reach out, and see what is going on. Inevitably, I see something on facebook or twitter, and it triggers a sense of paranoia. In the past, I would just lurch forward and confront whatever I saw in this paranoid worldview. Now, I turn inward. I panic. I self hate. Then, I eat. Then I sleep till 2 pm. Then I work badly.

So, here the thing. I gave up. There are things that I care for both personally and professionally. I need to do more of them. I need to embrace the stoke with both hands. Life is short, and while I think I have something to offer, I cannot spread myself so thin that nothing can come from it.

So, I let it all go. The email pursuit, the twitter and face book pursuit, the desire for control, well that is all pretty overwith. I do not feel any resentment, or sadness. I feel great. I get to do the things that I care about. I want to do this stuff, and that will be what I do. The unreturned phone call, or email, well that will just be what it is. A blip.

Thank you universe for my blessings.