Citizen Wausau

Bad Days

by Dino Corvino on November 25th, 2009

I wanted to call this post ‘The Best Thing About Bad Days’ but did not. The fact is there are no good things about bad days. Bad days take us off our plan, we end up eating Orange Chicken watching Adam Sandler movies and thinking about our own death. Those are bad days for me. The good thing about bad days, this is not that bad. This moment, this moment is pretty bad, but over all, there are worse days than this moment.

Today I had lunch with my old friend Richard. The thing is, I am somehow enamored with Richard. He is awesome, and so cool, and truly is living a life explored and investigated. Richard and I met during the Pub years, and honestly Richard did not feel like he fit there, and he and I just clicked.

The cool thing about Richard is also the thing that is shitty. I think Richard is a pretty good loner. I think he is okay being alone, and while I have developed the good thing with being alone, I would rather be with my friends.

So, I was talking to Richard, and thinking about that, and then I looked at my cellphone usage today, and oddly enough, I have had 0 incoming calls during a 20 days stretch. Which is unique. No person has called me. No one picked up a phone and dialed my number. That made me feel disconnected, and sad.

Then I had a crappy IM interaction in the afternoon, and that was just about it for the day. The IM thing was just brutal. I felt attacked, and I felt like the sins of my prior life had come back to haunt me. I hated it. The person has no reason to feel the way he does, save for the karmic retribution for my prior bad deeds once again rearing its ugly karmic head.

So that was crappy. I can never live those days down, and those stories and images continue no matter how I isolate myself, and live a reformed and redirected life. Some people return to those stories about me, simply because those are the only stories they know.

Oh, I forgot. I had a conversation with another friend that made me feel shitty about myself. This was an isolated thing, about my having a faux crush on a woman, and it somehow turned bad. I somehow felt bad after hanging up the phone. The best part about it though is that the person I was talking to made me laugh and it was a fun conversation, but when I thought about the things we talked about, I felt like a dick.

I came home and made myself Orange Chicken, and I ate a full cup of rice. And that is no where near my food plan. So, I am sorry to Randall and Kristy. I went to the gym, and worked out pretty hard, and felt good about that part, and then came home and rented some pretty good Adam Sandler movie.

So, it was a shitty day. I feel bad about myself right now. I have not talked to many people, and have not really DONE anything bad, but I still feel like a pile of poop. So, I shall write some good things.

1. Angela, my ex, sent me an amazing text message this morning. And she made me feel like a good man. She was the start of my reformation and rehabbing of my soul, and she literally knows everything about me. I love her dearly, like an EX, and when she says something like that to me, it means a lot. I was, and am thankful that she trusts me.

2. I gave my old friend Laura a gift. I was talking about Laura to Laura, and I said this sentence…”No one has ever talked to me and had it feel as good as when Laura does it, and no one has ever laughed like her”. I was glad to give her a small gift, it made me laugh and smile as I walked to the car. I did not get to see her get it, as I dropped it off at her work.

I am a lucky man. I have a great circle of friends in Rob, Laura, Andy, Abe, Pat, Katie, Dave and some others. I may feel alone and shitty, but I know that I can call them and I think they would come to my house and calm me down in these dark nights of the soul.

I am thankful for the fact that I have been given a chance to put my life back on course after being a bad guy for so long, to so many people. I get angry when the sins of the past are brought up, but the reality is that they are my sins. I can look you in the eye and I know what I did wrong, and I can make a case for my being better. But, you can look me in the eye and tell me something crappy I probably did to someone you heard about ten years ago. I spent a long time paying my debts off, both real ones and psychic ones. Clearly I am not done paying on them.

But, in every moment I have a chance to be the man I want to be, and the man that I am. I am luck to have that chance. I hope the universe continues to give it to me.