So its Xmas. And I made a mistake. I misled Conners mom about something I said I was going to do, or I said I had done, and ended up not doing it for a day or two later. I do not know why that is the case, I do not know why I screw up this relationship so much more than anything else in my life. There is no other way to describe it other than self destructive, or petty, or just stupid.
In this case she asked me to do something. I said I would. It was to send her something in the mail. I said sure. I did not get to it the same day, it sat on my desk for a few days. I do not know why it was not the first thing on my list for those days, but it was not. I just think I am such a dick to her sometimes. I do not mean to be, but this DELAY thing I do.
For the longest time I was late with my financial commitment. The money would literally sit there on my desk, and each morning I would forget it or something. And just walk out. I would invariably get it to her, but most of the time it would only be after I had gotten a phone call reminding me, or one that was a little more aggressive than a reminder.
I do not know why this is. Why this ONE RELATIONSHIP is so hard for me to stop acting like this in.
You see, it took a lot a while ago for me to type that I have a child. For most people they know me, and they know that fact. My co workers know, my family all knows. I try to be respectful of her and not write about it here, but maybe that is wrong as well.
I have been a bad person for a lot of years. A liar, and sneaky, bad with the ladies, and some of the men. But I work on this every day. But, it just seems like this is the hardest point, with her. I do not know why or how I think about it.
Is this the last place that I am self delusional? That I am lying to myself, and convincing myself these things, when my actions indicate something totally different?
The moments are harder to handle when I doubt myself like this. They are even harder to handle when I actually do these things. When I do this crap, it bothers me, because there is no way to not be honest about it. I did this. I did not mail the thing she wanted, and there was no excuse. Even less than you think.
I want to be a better man. But, sometimes I am just the same guy. And that guy is a jackass.