I have been thinking about this since Dec 31. So that is about 13 days. I have never been comfortable in my skin, or in groups of people, or really even with my own friends. I think I walked away from something like friendship a while ago, and the disconnection I feel can be overwhelming.
This past year though, I began to develop a circle of friends. Really, this is new. Friends on equal terms and the like. These people are all amazing human beings. Truly impressive by any objective measure of humanity. The life they lead is amazing, and I am impressed that I get to call them my friends each and every day.
But, then things happen, and no matter what I accomplish in life, I revert to being 14 years old, in Bills basement listening to Van Halen, and knowing that no one gets it. No one is connected to us, in that place, and that time. And 25 years later, that is how I feel. I feel alone, and lonely, and proud, and accomplished all in the same moment.
Tonight I had the polar opposites happen. It swung back and forth, and it really sort of became to be too much, and I think it would have led to poor eating choices, but instead I made some bad shopping choices. I bought the second Lady Gaga album, and that was that.
Early in the afternoon I felt dismissed, minimized professionally. I simply swallowed my tongue, and let it move on. I think the lesson I hate to learn from this situations is this…if I had been wearing a shirt and tie, instead of a stocking cap and a red t shirt, I do not think this person would have said the thing they said, or how they said it to me. So, that shows me that presentation, the package does matter still. No matter how much expertise I develop on a topic, someone is going to look past that substance and right to the shirt I am wearing or my weight or whatever, and make a judgement.
When this happened, I was pretty upset. I immediately thought about food. Immediately. But, I had not gotten to the gym today, and was not going to get to the gym tonight, so I ended up going to Best Buy, and buying a CD. I am pretty sure one habit just replaces the other. But, it was not a pound of wings, or Wendy’s Frosty, and the Lady Gaga record turned out to be very good, so it was okay. Not perfect, but okay.
Then, we swung the other way. I bumped into an old friend, Jim when I stopped at Target to get some eye medicine. He was there with his son Ricardo (not his real name since he is a little dude), and called out to me across the store, and we ended up talking and making tenative plans to do something we both like. It was warm and inviting, and it felt like he was happy to see me. It felt like that.
Then I went to the City Council meeting (check my twitter feed for this disgusting display of civic crap), and came up with the idea that maybe the people I think like me, clearly do not. You see, when I saw Jim, it was warm, inclusive, and it was good. Tonight I saw someone that I would say is part of my friends, and clearly they were or are not. It was nothing specific, but rather a sort of vibe that happened. The person walked past me, did not acknowledge me, even to say bye. I did not understand that at all.
So, here is the thing, no one likes to read this stuff, but I do not think I write about this stuff nearly enough.
Is it possible to be included in a circle of friends, and have that circle of friends not really like you? I do not mean dislike you, but rather the friendship is not on equal terms or levels or something? I wonder about that. I have a friend Jill, she likes to keep her relationships in boxes. I do not know her husband really, and her other friends do not know me. That works for her. I do not like that personally, I want all my friends to know each other at the very least. They do not all have to like each other, but they should know each other. I like them all, and they should like each other maybe.
Maybe some people are just not personable, and as a result the friendship is not really there, but it is something else. Shared common interest, business relationship, marriage or the like. Not everyone has to like each other, I suppose. But, it is a confusing thing, even at 39 years old.
I think we try to make lessons positive. And this is a hard one, but I think what I want to think about more than anything is that I have plan in place. I am making large changes in my life, and these changes are life time changes. I have to stay positive, and trust in the direction I am going. It has been a brutal week, and it is only tuesday. Days like today become unbearable, until you get home and get some balance, and realize that you are working hard on what you do.
But, it is interesting to think about what actions you want your friends to take. That seems selfish, but it is not really. You have discussions about how you want to be loved, passionately, warmly, with a certain style. I think that applies to friendship as well. One wants friendship to be a certain way, but you cannot impose it. You cannot ask that of a person, they have to be your friend, and you have to trust them to like you the way that they do like you.
But, what if, in some moments, you doubt yourself, but not them?