I have to be honest. I am spent. I hear words, and they mean nothing, I say words and they mean even less. I do not know why this happens. Why the extension into the living, is so tiring for me some days, and why my spirit is so tired.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot do anything about it. Save for stop doing some stuff. I have walked away from many things in the past years, and I feel good about it. And I am sure that I am doing the right thing. But, I still feel like this. Where all I want to do is lay under my desk, and sleep. Just sit and look at Engadget and dream about owning a HTC Hero or something as meaningless as that.

I am tired. And it makes me hard to be around, and worse that that it makes you hard to be around.

Today I had lunch with my friend Pat, and his wife Connie. Two of the best humans ever. And two people that are inspirational in a lot of ways. I am lucky in that way, I find that inspiration often, and everywhere. I am truly blessed in that manner. I could make a list of people who have meant everything to me, and have made my life better for being in it. But, I fear that list would be everyone I have ever met. You have all mattered so much to me.

I started to take a look at my daily life with this blogging project, and then thought about some of the things that have moved me, and I am failing even myself. My interests are pedestrian, and somehow I dislike the things that I am passionate about. I have lost the desire or rather, I have lost the pursuit of adventure. My daily life is tame, my nightlife is tame, and all the rest. It has been years since someone punched me, or I have loved passionately, or even been open to being punched or loved. I know that has to change. But, like everything else, I have to reclaim the idea on my own.

I have to have adventures. I have to find that, I have to be awake for more ours. I have to connect to it.

To inspire me I have taken on a reading list of adventure books. Hopefully I can get them all done by April 1. And then I can start spring with a vengeance.

so, here they are…and I got them all at Et Al’s in Wausau.

Beyond the Hundredth Meridian by Wallace Stegner
Stanley by Tim Jeal
Shackleton by Roland Huntford
Tenzing: Hero of Everest by Ed Douglas
Chatwin by Nicholas Shakespeare
The Last Season by Eric Blehm
The Strange Last Voyage of Donald Crowhurt by Eric Blehm
Marco Polo: From Venice to Xanadu by Laurence Bergreen
The Wildest Dream by Peter and Leni Gillamn

I hope these books move me. I hope I can become more like my friend Andrew Wichman. I want to see the world again.

I think one of the things I struggle with most on this journey is distraction. I am easily distracted, sucked into dinner meetings, time away from the gym, and into a bad meal choice. I simply cannot whip out a chicken breast at Noodles and Company over a lunch meeting. So, I find myself trying to minimize the damage, and the rest.

I find this sort of distraction to be constant. I need to constantly remain vigilant, because I have a long journey ahead of me. I feel like I am getting progress, but I am not moving far enough. I need to strip it all away, and find the meaning in it.

I changed my HUSK pattern, and like the new way of doing it. And I shall be in bed by 11 pm tonight. Thank you universe for Randall and Kristy

So, for the first time in a long time, I see a change in my own face. I totally dig it. I look like I have lost weight, which makes me so very happy. Clearly the plan put together by Exercise Authorities, and Randall, changing my life. I feel and am so much healthier. Today I took my vitamin ration very early in the day, with almonds. What is nice about that, in the afternoon I did not have the spiking pee color going on. While that is cool in a childish way, over all one does not want to do that.

I also am going to return to the music column this week, in The City Pages. I have it mostly done now, but want to go to sleep in about 5 minutes, so you are just going to bear with me.

I am working very hard at work now, and a lot is on my plate. So, I am feeling stress that way. But, every now and again I shut the door of my office and stretch, and I feel amazingly better.

My workouts are also at a whole new level. I am sore these days. SORE. How cool is that.

For two days I have had some real pain in my left shoulder. Not weakness yet, but pain. About a 6 out of ten. Limited strength, limited range of motion. Sort of weak after the work out, or exertion. Not a big deal thought. At the gym tonight I did back, and some shoulders. And it came along nicely, but for fun I wanted to bench a little. And that just was too much. It is not a pain, or a blockage, just a sort of really locallized dull pain.

It will be fine.

I did stomach tonight for a long time. The Silent Revolution is not a good thing, in public.

This is a Ford Ranger. A lovely small truck. Popular. Seen around the midwest like crazy. In fact I almost bought one, but thankfully my main man Andy talked me out of it, and I was graced to become a Subaru owner. And I have never been happier. But, this is about that truck. And…this truck…

This is an entirely different truck. Looks like GMC truck of some sort, with customization that lends itself to the job at hand. A work truck, pure and simple. A work truck.

Well, now how does this relate to your health Dino…come on, stop rambling. Okay, I will.

This week I was at the gym, and I met a man who was doing pull ups in a bullet proof vest. At first, I thought bullet proof vest, at the Weston Y, who is this guy? Then I was paying attention, and this was the greatest athlete in the room. It was amazing. So, I decided to go up and talk to him. We ended up chatting and it turns out he was a Marine, and had to go back in theatre in a few weeks and needed to get used to wearing the vest again. So, I was totally impressed.

Then as I paid attention even more I realized that this man was not like the other guys at the gym (and this brought on the truck thing). As a matter of fact a lot of the DUDES at the gym were secretly staring at him. You see, we have a clique of meatheads at the Y in the evening. Tribal tattoos, sliced open shirts, no cardio, and a lot of things wrapped around their wrists. Lots of what I assume to be former high school football players, or high school wrestlers. But, tribal tattoo and white baseball caps mark these guys.

Anyway, I was watching these guys watch this Marine. And it was sort of fun. They were all clearly intimidated. He was the strongest guy there, and in NO WAY the largest guy there. So it begged the question, what did all those large dudes with the tribal tattoos do with their bodies.

And here we get into the truck. So a Ford Ranger. Good truck. Can tow a jetski, a boat, you can put your bike into it. It can do a little more than a car, and is just fine.

A work truck, can pull a home, deal with mud and snow on epic scale, get you in and out of places to work safely and efficiently. Sure, your not going to see a lot of cool wrap around graphics on a work truck, but you are also not going to see a lot of work tools in a Ford Ranger.

And as far as my body and health goes…right now I am a bit like a broken down car. I want someday to be a work truck. I want my body to do what I want it to do, efficiently. It is just the vessel we move through life, and I want my body to do work.

It is interesting how I furthered this out a little bit. I am not sure how an old friend Gerald will like me talking about this, but it ties in. This guy I know Gerald was a football star in high school. Truly awesome. And I bumped into him months ago at the Y, he was coming home from the pool. He and I talked about the gym a lot over a few months, and he never mentioned lifting or anything macho at all. He talked about the pool, and stretching, and triathalons. He sort of blew me away. He had returned to the pool I think, after extended time away. And he talked about his body in those terms, of DOING things, and not looking like things. It was when I first started to think about it like this. It was a cool moment.

I think we all want to look good. Sure, I would love to have 32 inch waist, and whatever. But more than that, I want a good score on my cholesterol test, and a good score on my blood sugar and thyroid test. I want a body that can run when I want to run, jump when I want to jump.

I see this…

And I do not know what function it serves. I mean it clearly took some work, but what does that dude do.

Then there is that. While I am not a Marine, I would like to think someday if need be, I could haul a buddy over my shoulders.

Ford Ranger v Work Truck.

So I have been having a rough week. If you follow my twitter stream, or read this blog, you know that two days were chuck full of self doubt, and ugh. I missed a workout in there, and from that I was able to sort of figure out that I need to work out. Simply put I need it as much as I need anything else in my life.

So tonight I went to the gym, all filled up with whey protein, and I beat the living tar out of myself. I wanted to find the other side, the breaking point, the point where you stop counting, and just keep lifting the weight. I found it, it was great. I had a great time on the treadmill (blog post on the shoe mistake coming later), and the weights were awesome. By the time it was over my soul was clear, I was unsure as to what was bothering me. And now, now I simply feel like ground beef. Just shot. I am so looking forward to sleeping, and seeing what will come from that amazingness.

I love this feeling.

I have been thinking about this since Dec 31. So that is about 13 days. I have never been comfortable in my skin, or in groups of people, or really even with my own friends. I think I walked away from something like friendship a while ago, and the disconnection I feel can be overwhelming.

This past year though, I began to develop a circle of friends. Really, this is new. Friends on equal terms and the like. These people are all amazing human beings. Truly impressive by any objective measure of humanity. The life they lead is amazing, and I am impressed that I get to call them my friends each and every day.

But, then things happen, and no matter what I accomplish in life, I revert to being 14 years old, in Bills basement listening to Van Halen, and knowing that no one gets it. No one is connected to us, in that place, and that time. And 25 years later, that is how I feel. I feel alone, and lonely, and proud, and accomplished all in the same moment.

Tonight I had the polar opposites happen. It swung back and forth, and it really sort of became to be too much, and I think it would have led to poor eating choices, but instead I made some bad shopping choices. I bought the second Lady Gaga album, and that was that.

Early in the afternoon I felt dismissed, minimized professionally. I simply swallowed my tongue, and let it move on. I think the lesson I hate to learn from this situations is this…if I had been wearing a shirt and tie, instead of a stocking cap and a red t shirt, I do not think this person would have said the thing they said, or how they said it to me. So, that shows me that presentation, the package does matter still. No matter how much expertise I develop on a topic, someone is going to look past that substance and right to the shirt I am wearing or my weight or whatever, and make a judgement.

When this happened, I was pretty upset. I immediately thought about food. Immediately. But, I had not gotten to the gym today, and was not going to get to the gym tonight, so I ended up going to Best Buy, and buying a CD. I am pretty sure one habit just replaces the other. But, it was not a pound of wings, or Wendy’s Frosty, and the Lady Gaga record turned out to be very good, so it was okay. Not perfect, but okay.

Then, we swung the other way. I bumped into an old friend, Jim when I stopped at Target to get some eye medicine. He was there with his son Ricardo (not his real name since he is a little dude), and called out to me across the store, and we ended up talking and making tenative plans to do something we both like. It was warm and inviting, and it felt like he was happy to see me. It felt like that.

Then I went to the City Council meeting (check my twitter feed for this disgusting display of civic crap), and came up with the idea that maybe the people I think like me, clearly do not. You see, when I saw Jim, it was warm, inclusive, and it was good. Tonight I saw someone that I would say is part of my friends, and clearly they were or are not. It was nothing specific, but rather a sort of vibe that happened. The person walked past me, did not acknowledge me, even to say bye. I did not understand that at all.

So, here is the thing, no one likes to read this stuff, but I do not think I write about this stuff nearly enough.

Is it possible to be included in a circle of friends, and have that circle of friends not really like you? I do not mean dislike you, but rather the friendship is not on equal terms or levels or something? I wonder about that. I have a friend Jill, she likes to keep her relationships in boxes. I do not know her husband really, and her other friends do not know me. That works for her. I do not like that personally, I want all my friends to know each other at the very least. They do not all have to like each other, but they should know each other. I like them all, and they should like each other maybe.

Maybe some people are just not personable, and as a result the friendship is not really there, but it is something else. Shared common interest, business relationship, marriage or the like. Not everyone has to like each other, I suppose. But, it is a confusing thing, even at 39 years old.

I think we try to make lessons positive. And this is a hard one, but I think what I want to think about more than anything is that I have plan in place. I am making large changes in my life, and these changes are life time changes. I have to stay positive, and trust in the direction I am going. It has been a brutal week, and it is only tuesday. Days like today become unbearable, until you get home and get some balance, and realize that you are working hard on what you do.

But, it is interesting to think about what actions you want your friends to take. That seems selfish, but it is not really. You have discussions about how you want to be loved, passionately, warmly, with a certain style. I think that applies to friendship as well. One wants friendship to be a certain way, but you cannot impose it. You cannot ask that of a person, they have to be your friend, and you have to trust them to like you the way that they do like you.

But, what if, in some moments, you doubt yourself, but not them?

I went back and looked and I made 4 resolutions a year ago today. I lived up to three of them, even if I al overly critical. So, I think I am going to write some more. I recently put up some goals, and this clearly coincides with that, but so it goes.

1. Follow the eating plan put together by Exercise Authorities
2. Stop introducing everyone I know to every other person I know. Clearly that creeps some people out, and while I think I am being inclusive, that has not worked out so well.
3. I day of silence every 14 days. No TV, no talk, no email save work, no music.
4. Purchase bike, and commute daily.
5. Clean my bedroom.
6. Talk less, in general.
7. Accept my impression of myself as accurate.
8. Read 1 nonfiction, and 1 fiction book completely a week.
9. Help my friends achieve their dreams.
10. Be a lot more productive.

I will get around to the whole end of the decade thing, and the resolution thing later on. But, I wanted to process this a little bit before I finally fellt asleep.

I have to be careful with my words, and with my talking, and the whole bit. I have not done anything to trigger this, but instead I experienced something. Recently I was with someone, and they said something in just sort of passing, and it ended up upsetting me.

The thing was, the person did not know they were upsetting me, did not mean to upset me, and I did not say anything to the person. But, I was upset.

Words can hurt people. They simply can. This person said something in passing, and I have been processing it for a while. I am sure that I have said things in passing, and these things have hurt others. No matter what I intended or did not intend, these things hurt others. And I have to accept that responsibility.

Our strength comes from knowing what we say. Our blessing comes from knowing that our friends love us. Our friendship comes from allowing for the mistaken turn of phrase from time to time.

While I do not like the sense of what was said to me, about me, I have nothing that I can do about it. All I can do is not do the same thing to others. I can own my words.