I have been reading Tim Ferris blog, and his book this week, and it has led me to some great other websites.  I am very excited and inspired by them.  I also had a great board meeting at Bridge Clinic, in which we discussed meaningful use, and I swear that just put me over the moon.    I was so pumped going in, and then the topic was so perfect, that I have this sort of life changing high going on.

This week I have come to terms with a lot of things that have left me disappointed.  People have stopped writing, making music, dancing, working, whatever.  It just feels like a lot of people around me have stopped living.  I get that this idea of family, and place is important, but some of the most amazing voices around me have sort of become silent.

I am lucky that Brad Schjoth is still my buddy.  He and I went to see Social Distortion together, and while going to a concert with me is probably the least fun way to do it, hanging out with Brad is super cool.

But, I have come to terms with this idea of all of that which disappoints me as something that I do not want anything to do with.

And this brings me to the idea of a Bucket List.  Simple enough, what would you do if you knew you were going to kick the bucket.  I think I want to make a list like this.

Do you have one?  What is on it?

I am a bit of a wreck right now. Just a sort of existential my life is meaningless, I have not done enough or accomplished enough to call myself a person sort of position. I used to have an even harder time with this, but not so much recently, but today it popped up.

Recently I got to go backstage with an old friend, from when I was 15, at a rock show and meet some of my heroes. I was there for a while, surrounded by road cases, luggage, laptops, chargers, tools of the road. I realized that these guys were going to pack up in that moment, and roll off and make hay while the sun still shown in some other town. And in that town people would go home and realize that their small lives had been changed by those cats on stage.

And I was going to get into my Subaru, and drive home and go back to bed alone and talk to my dog. And not much would come of it. So, it felt empty.

Then today I got a strange message from someone, and it sort of upset me a little bit. What I thought was just funny was something that someone else saw as creepy and negative. So, I was left with that taste.

Then I realize now that I am 39. I have grey hair, and am a big fatty. I am not sure what sense I am making, but like it says, its not always what is flung, but it is just the flinging that matters.

I have missed process for a while. I have not written in my voice, and have been hyper aware for a while, and in all fairness to me, I am not all that happy with some of it. And in all fairness to my soul, I need to be proud of my process and my day even more.

How do we grow? Or more importantly how do I grow? How do I change and become more of what I want to be, and less of what I do not want to be? I think it comes from change. In all areas, scenery, relationships, method, process, all of it. And I have not changed anything for a long time. I have been trapped by myself.

And that changes now. Thanks.

It has been a year. Boy howdy has this been a year. I have taken on some challenges that I do not particularly like, had some elation, and some heart break. Some good, some bad, and quite a bit of ugly (in the mirror!). But, it has been a year none the less when amazing things happen.

One of the things I have had to come to terms with is the ending of friendships. Some of these were acrimonious, some of these were amazingly civil, some of these were unexpected, and some were just shitty. But, these sorts of door closings are always exactly what the universe has in mind, and I am grateful for the world to keep turning, and me to keep breathing so I cannot worry too much about it.

But, the loss of a friend is a strange thing for me. For the most part I think it is easy to say that I am unlikeable over the long term. The passions that sway, and that I ride, are annoying in the long term and interesting in the short term. I am aware of this, and I have considered temperance, but am not sure that it is what I want to do.

Then, there is the end of a relationship that comes from my being a jerk. This is the one that I like the least, and often times have a hard time with. Over the course of a relationship, people do and say things, and often times these are mistakes or somehow bad. For the most part though, we expect a sense of forgiveness from our friends. Not really an expectation really, but a hope for that forgiveness. What is interesting for me personally, I have rarely been given the same quarter that others ask for. I assume that means that the act I performed is on some different level of badness, and that forgiveness is impossible, even if I ask for it. But, so it goes. I accept that as well. I did not always, in the past in fact this would often lead to a blood vendetta of some stupid sort. But, not anymore.

I find this loss of relationship as an adult to be fascinating. It appears to me that adults do not want confrontation, but do want to have someone held accountable for their actions. I do not want to be your friend, but if I see you I am going to act friendly to you. So, really I am just saying that you should not call me and expect any sort of emotional support. Rather than something else. This is interesting for me, because it does not connect to me in any sort of way

I am enjoying the solitude that comes from my choosing solitude. I am not enjoying the loss of some friendships either by my own hand or situations that are not of my creation. I know that I see it differently, but at some point this is the one time I get to spin through this world.

Some blog posts come to you right away, something happens and you sit down and write something up.  This is not that blog post, not at all.  This blog post is roughly 1 year in the making.  Almost exactly a year since the experience I had.  Strange how that works.

Last year I worked on an event on Rib Mountain.  It was a great deal of fun, and high pressure work in a short amount of time.  I was pretty wiped out physically.  The work we were doing was exhausting in prep.  All of us were wiped out.  But, in the process I got to meet a guy I will call Blueheels Bob.  That is a sort of misnomer, but I do not think I should write his last name.

I had heard of the guy for a few months, but never really met him.  I was at the same place a few times, but never got a sense of him, and it turns out the sense I did get, was totally wrong.

So, there were a few of us doing set up.  Hard physical work that involved a lot of heavy lifting and the like.  I got to work with Bob that day.  While I was dragging and just suffering in silence, or putting up a sarcastic face, Bob was just digging in and enjoying it, and being totally groovy.

When we had a break, and everyone else sat down to rest, Bob said he was going to hike up the hill.  Now lets be clear about this, we had just been doing a ton of work, and were taking a break.  We were not done, but Bob wanted to use his free time hiking up a mountain, and then returning to complete the physical labor.  At the time I simply thought he was nuts.

But, I follow Bluesheels Bob on facebook.  Just about everyday I read a post about Bob going for a run, or hike, or waterskiing, or canoeing.  Everyday there is something physical that this guy is going off and doing.

For this reason, Bob is a total inspiration.  The idea of using the human body that we have to do something that makes us feel good and is exerting on a daily basis is inspiring.  For a long time I wished I had that sort of will, but then I realized something.

Exercise is fun.  During it, before it, after it, your body feels alive, and you are connected to your body.  I learned from Blueheels Bob, his example, that it should be something that you do everyday.  That there are people in our little Midwestern town that seek that out, that stoke each day.

Thanks for the inspiration Blueheels Bob.

The folks from Sunspot have taken off on their nationwide tour. The Land Yacht has left, and they are out in the world kicking the worlds butt with some amazing rock and roll. The fact that my pretend wife is in the band, that makes it interesting. You should follow them on twitter, and youtube. It is a rare thing, in my opinion, for a band of working musicians taking a chance like this, and you must respect that.

Today was a great day. Me and Hershey, we got back to Rib Mountian, after a week away. With the water and heat the plants are up to my shoulders. This is pretty lame, in my opinion, for Granite Peak to mow all the other hills, but not the one that I walk up. I get it, but still, I wish they mowed my hill.

I have been hoping to try out barefoot hiking, and more barefoot stuff in general. So, today I took it on. It was slow going, and my legs were just pumped, bombed, after it was done. But, I felt a strange euphoria from the exercise. I think we should all walk in barefeet outside a lot more.

Then this afternoon my brother and I moved a pile of cut wood. It was a massive pile of cut wood. It was hard work. By the time it was over, my legs were absolutely destroyed. The idea of holding wood in my arms (which bombs arms), and then squatting down to pick up more wood, that makes for tough work. The neighbor came over and gave us a hard time for just making up something to do in the yard in the summer (maybe a little truth), but really the plan seems solid. My brother wants to build a 50 gallon drums system of water collection. Now we just need the drums.

I am spent. I went to WestonFest tonight, and saw TSA and Windsor Drive play.  I thought it was great how many people actually came.

Looking forward I need to write a blog post about my time on a board, and how I learned a lot from that. Also other things. But, my hands hurt now.

Ahh, faithful old blog, and ever faithful and supportive readers, I have sadly been absent from these pages. I wish I could tell you why, in some coherent form, but I think I have felt overwhelmed with a sense of failure, and resignation. Don’t get me wrong, I feel healthier than ever, physically. I feel great emotionally, and strong and centered. But, I think I have lost my way as a writer of words. I just do not have the juice right now.

I should be asleep. Like 5 hours ago. I have like a 20 hour day in front of me, and a ton of travel, and loud music. I should not be tired, I should be open to the inspiration. But, I am overwhelmed with this inablity to lay down. To shut my eyes.

Its not traditional insomnia, I have no problem sleeping. But, I have a real problem laying down these days. I do not know what to tell you.

I was talking to a college friend, one of the few I had, and I realize that my voice has changed as a writer. I feel far more timid, and bound. I am unsure how this translates. It used to be, that when I was off balance with the pen, my life would spin out of control.

But, now, my life is awesome. I am happy, and making great positive strides. But, this act of typing, typing anything, feels harder than before. I am unsure the cause, and less sure of the cure.

Today I tweeted something to the extent of “the experiment is over” or something like that. In general one does not want to encourage the cryptic use of language, but sometimes those are the most succint words you can come up with. That is less than fun, but it is how it is for me.

I think I have endeavored to change something things, to walk down roads, to surf waves that are not the right waves and not for the right reasons. It is freeing to hear that thought, to read that sentence, to have typed that sentence.

I feel better about this discomfort tonight. I made a choice today that I would have normally fretted over, but today I just made the decision, owned it, and moved forward with it.

I have felt away from myself for a bit now. I think that is a real sense.  I have made sacrifices, unsolicited ones.  And i have resented myself for making them.  I have sought out things that do not help me, do not provide me joy, do not do anything of the sort.  They have been this sort of aspirational madness, and this serves nothing.  Save for me to walk away from the tent stakes that are holding my life together.  I do not know what I was thinking.

Did I want you to like me, love me, approve of me?  Sure.  Did you?  I am sure that it might have happened.  Were you uncomfortable with me?  Not anymore than I was with you.  Did I understand what you were up to?  No.  Not for a minute.  Did I decide at some point to remember the tent stakes?  I did.  But, I was far away from them.

I am lucky.  I have had some cool experiences.  Really cool.  A guy who I worked with on a project did the coolest thing, and addressed me directly.  It was pretty cool.  It was not fun, but I thank him for it.

What is neat about it, he told me something negative.  And it made sense, and it was good.

I have spent a good amount of this summer alone, me and the dog.  Working on myself.  It is a great process to see this stuff again.  To revisit this stuff.

I am glad to be uncomfortable right now.

“We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I’ll slave till the end,
I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand”

Humans are an interesting thing. Strange creatures are we. No matter how old or how young, there are forces that drive us, that stunt us, that move us well beyond the parameters of where we want to be.

A bit ago, we had a hugely awesome thing happen in our family. A true high event. It was just a swell, a giant wave. A big wave, that we all had been riding for some time. And then we had it happen, and after that it was just amazing.

After the wave, I fell asleep and literally sort of woke up into battle. A project I love sort of fell apart, or something. I decided that I wanted to make a change, and the creative differences came to a head, and it went round and round for what felt like a few days. I appreciated the honesty from the people in the discussion, but did not want the outcome that had happened-the end of the project. But, like I was told, projects end.

Then, I spent a day or night thinking about that dynamic shift, and it made me angry. And I could not get rid of the anger, and as such was sort of agitated in everything.

Work was hard. We are driving ourselves sort of relentlessly right now, and that keeps the agitation happening.

Then I felt disappointed in a friend for something.

And then I got angry at a meeting I was at. The ensuing discussion about my anger sort of went no where for me, and honestly I should not have had the discussion. Because I truly care about everyone at the meeting, especially the person running it, but it just spun out of control in a way that I did not like.

And then I went to bed.

When I woke up I went to the gym, did some visualization, and honestly feel a lot better. Tomorrow is a vacation day, and I am going to just do thing around my home that I have wanted to get done. Watch romantic comedies, and go hike Rib Mountain with my dog.

I also decided that I need to change recurring things. All of them.

Here is one.

When someone hits you, and apologizes, they still hit you. I use this sort of metaphor all the time. When someone upsets you, even if they do apologize, you are still upset. You, me, still think that the person did something. You still feel slighted.

I have decided, who cares! Who cares, really, I mean it. If someone hits me in the face, and I decide to not hit them back, then that is on me. I have to own it. If someone hurts my feelings, it is not a battle, not a war. Not a fight.

I love my friends, my coworkers, and all the rest. I need to change that one dynamic. I need to stop holding onto that face slap metaphor.

I mean sure, if some dude punches you in the face out of anger, that is fine. Hit that mf’er back.

But, my friend Rob kept bringing a discussion back to the phrase “See things through my eyes” or something like that. And I just simply refused. I mean I had great logical ground to stand on, and I am not going to like the phrase going forward. But, that fact is, in the case of my friends…I should see things through there eyes.

They love me. They are my friend. I need to be a better friend to them. To the universe.

It was a crappy couple of days. It was a rough patch. I hope my friends are still my friends next week.

In the past week, 4 people have told me “Don’t take it personally” in regards to incidents that have upset me. I find that to be incredibly challenging, and have always felt so. This is not a new thing for me to be challenged by. I am unsure about my sense of this, so I thought I would type some words, and see if that helped. I have thought about this exact statement for like 10 years, so it is not unexplored country for me.

I do not get upset by things that do not happen to me. I do not. I mean I am sure that I do, but it is different. I mean I hate when the FSU football team blows 7 leads in a row to lose 5 games. I hate listening to blatant stupidity. The people outside of my work upset me, but the moment I am away, I stop thinking about it.

But, there is a difference. When something happens, and something happens to you. If you ask a girl out, and she says no, that happens to you. If you are out, and a drunk guy slaps your face, that happens to you. If someone calls you a name, or does something overtly mean or disrespectful to you, that happens to you. I know the difference.

But still people have, for years, encouraged me to not take it personally. I am not sure how that works, or even what that would look like.

Did you know I have lost my temper exactly 1 time since turning 21? One time. Yeah, you might have thought I lost my temper other times, but one time. It was at Scott Street Pub, and it was bad. I was lucky that Joe Johnson was there, and he helped me. Okay, held me back really.

During this time of solitude, when I am upset, I am left with only self soothing. I think that soothing is a natural thing that happens when you get upset. You get upset, you feel safe, and are calmed and allows to be soothed. But, these days the solitude makes that sort of thing tough. So, I am left alone to think about things far too much. And as such I might be dwelling.

One of the great parts of this solitude is that I know this. I know this happens, and I know that I must address this time. I must make an effort to be mindful of the thoughts, but to not hold the thoughts. So, while I am angry, I know that this anger shall pass. But, in fairness to me, nothing and no one will make that anger pass save for time and me.

Otherwise, it is not actually anger. If you have an emotion, then you have an emotion. It comes, and stays, then goes. It has a life cycle. It cannot be changed. At least I do not think.

I am enjoying this challenge in my solitude. I see it as a challenge and an opportunity. I am glad to have it. Sadly, I also see some of the future, and the results of this conflict, or upset, or anger. I know where this is going, and sadly it will be what it will be.

We do not choose our waves, we just surf the ones we are on.

I must love my anger. I really must. I am able to generate a ton of it, so much so I think I could light Cleveland. This past weekend I went outside of myself a little bit, and honestly I think for me the results were just garbage. Thank God for the family, because I know I would have sat and stewed and only gotten worse.

Anger is a warm emotion. It literally can fuel you, warm you, and guide you like a flashlight. It can also burn you, and all that is around you. I feel pretty great about it not doing that this week. Though, I think I learned some stuff, and will act accordingly.

I also hurt my back on Sunday at some point. It is in the left middle. Not all the way to the bottom of the rib cage, but in the lower third. It is a pretty cool amount of pain, but I went to the gym and did cardio and lifted a little bit. I think the warming of the muscles around the spasm will be good for it in the long run.

The solitude thing is coming along well. I am defining unhealthy patterns in relationships, addressing them, dealing with the outcomes, and moving forward. I am happy to do this. I am happy to have resolution in some form.

I am happy. You would not know it, but I am happy.