So all day I have been warm. Tonight I decided to pull out the old thermometer. 101. That seems pretty warm. I thought it was a reaction to the sleeping aids I took the other night, but I bet the pills just let me get sick, and it was cold, and oddly enough I slept naked. Kicking off blankets, nude big dude, never a good idea.
Hope the fever breaks.
I have to admit, I am fairly depressed. I feel disconnected from the people that care for me, and that I care for. I feel lonely. As such, I find myself from time to time, eating inappropriately. Take tonight for example. With the depression comes a pretty intense case of night time insomnia. I can’t sleep all night long. Nothing really to do.
About 4 am, I somehow found myself making a beef sandwich. I was not hungry, and honestly do not eat beef. But I think I had nothing to do, and the act of eating made me feel better.
It does not happen that often, since I have been on the program, but I think with the depression deepening, it is bound to happen a bit more.
I think the depression, with me, is a simple enough thing. This week I got VERY little sleep. I worked alone all week. Have not really seen or talked to my friends, and as such I feel pretty lonely. It is easy for the self loathing to kick up, when I do not for example, talk to Andy, I just assume that Andy is mad at me. The fact is, there is no evidence of that. But that inner monologue creates it.
I know I am tired, and lonely, and as such I need to be more vigilant about my exercise and diet.
1. Mindful breath: awareness of inhale and exhale, without changing or judging breath; beginning to draw internal focus. Observe length, rhythm, temperature, sensation of abdomen or chest rising and falling.
2. Conscious breath: (aka belly or diaphragmatic) Place hands on belly, just below navel. Exhale completely while drawing navel in toward spine. Relaxing abdominal muscles, allow belly to rise upward and outward as if filling a balloon with air. (very calming, increases vital capacity)
3. Three-part breath: Place hand first on belly, experiencing conscious breath for a few breaths. Next, place a hand on the ribcage, breathe first into belly and then into the ribcage for a few breaths. Next, move a hand to the chest. Breathe first into belly, then ribs, then chest, as if filling a glass of water. Exhale from the top down, as if emptying a glass of water.
4. Equalizing breath: Inhale for a count of 4, pause very slightly, exhale for a count of 4, pause, repeat. (deepens breath and increases focus). The cool thing about this is that you can use it as either an energizing breath or a calming one. Inhaling for a longer count = energizing; Exhaling for a longer count = relaxing.
5. Alternate Nostril Breathing: Place your index and middle fingers of your right hand in the middle of the forehead, thumb on right nostril, ring and little fingers on left nostril. Close your right nostril, inhale through the left, deeply but without strain. Close the left nostril as you exhale through the right, followed by inhaling through the right. (Balances left and right sides of brain and really good for emotional stress)
So the first ten days or so have been going famously. I have really liked the fact that this is making a daily habit, a good thing, and something I cannot live without. It is funny how once it gets going, when you do it often enough you cant sleep without it.
Before the 100 started, I gained 4 pounds, and since the 100 days I have lost six.
I gotta say, that the thing with exercise, if I do not do it, I can’t sleep as well as I could before.
Night.
That thing is on the hill for some reason. Don’t know why.
Day 1
The Hill
Up to V, ten minutes. Hersh on Leash
Turn Left to Ski hill, found upper trail, 25 minutes
down ski hill to lower trail, bck to V 25 minutes
Turn Right, walk to Clearling, 20 minutes
Back
Hersh as tired as me
Day 2
The Hill w/o Hersh
Same course
Did some stretching at V at end
Peed on the hill
Day three
45 minute walking lap at home with Hersh
Stopped and did some sit ups, and push ups, and stretching, and those tri cep things at Mountain Bay bathroom
Freaked el hershbo out
So let me start off by saying damn you Sunspot Wendy, and damn you Cheryl. People making changes on a massive scale like you did, remind me that while my change is significant, I have lacked consistency.
So, starting tomorrow, I am going to take 100 days, and focus on exercise. I am going to exert myself 100 days in a row, so it becomes like a habit. A good habit.
And some randomness.
Can anyone tell me when a pair of Etnies Cinch have given it up, and you should toss them. I assume the actual rubber will be the last thing to go.
I shaved my beard, and my head tonight. I rule.
100 days. Here we go.
Hello Hill. Meet my ass. Soon to be dragging.
Me and Sullie went to the hill finally today. It was awesome, and so humbling. I quit, my ass was dragging, I was not ready for it. It was brutal. We walked for maybe 40 minutes or so. Most of it was up hill, and it was rough. We did not get to the top of anything, and that is fine I suppose. I like the idea of doing this, and I think that it will help me alot. It is not treadmill walking, it is not gym stuff. It is hill walking in the great outdoors.
I know sullie wanted to do more, but man alive this is hard.
I feel good now though. Just need to plan better for it. No breakfast at the log cabin.
So, today just sucked. Heck, I am willing to go out on a limb, this whole week was bad.
With my arm in a sling, everything takes longer. It is all uncomfortable. Nothing is easy. So it all frustrates me. It just sucks. I had a deadline at my JOB, and did not make it. typing sucks, I type for a living.
Today just sucked. Conflict spun out of control. I tried to not get sucked in, but I felt pretty attacked.
My shoulder has hurt for a week. I am taking some pill that puts me to sleep, and like 100 advil every 20 minutes. It is actually 4 every 4 hours.
So tonight, I ate two ice cream cones.
Even with the lack of gym, and the pain, I ate very little this week. Dropped 4 unhealthy pounds.
So today I spent the day in a sling, trying to work. Up north I put the dock in with my brother, and apparently I separated my shoulder, but with the work and keeping busy did not notice until last night. Last night I was in screaming pain. I could not find a nuetrel position, and from that I decided that when the pain hit an 8 out of 10, I was off the the ER. My shoulder got cold inside, and it was shocking. I was freaking out, because I thought it was a blood flow thing, but it was just the nicest separation possible.
With that was the discussion of pain meds. Here is the thing, I did not want to accept the Oxy or Vicoden, so I made the doctor find me something that was not in that catergory. Tramdol. Amazing stuff. Tonight I took half of my dose, and could not get to bed fast enough. Six hours later. Me and El Hershbo are walking around the block. More for the dog, than for me.
So, I have not gained weight back. I have slowed down losing weight, because with sickness and injury, apparently I need to up the whole workout thing. Get my eating back on track.
This week and weekend is a transition week. I need to make stronger choices.
And I love the movie “Love, Actually”
Today I did something I do not think I have ever done. I left work before noon, sick. I woke up, and my lungs were tight, and my forehead was warm, and I was unable to really focus my eyes. Not in a dramatic way, but more in a way that you just feel slow. So I work around nurses, and they sent me home at 11 am. I was in bed by noon. I woke up about 830 pm.
My temperature was hovering right around 101. No idea what I was cooking off, but it seemed besst to be in bed. So that was today. I am excited, because I lost another 6 pounds this past week, so that is good as well.
I hope you are well.