In a few weeks I will be celebrating a birthday. I stretch to call it a celebration, not because I worry about aging. When I groan about my birthday, acquaintances are quick to jump on the “fear of aging” bit and then proceed to tease me for worrying about turning 29. If it could only be so trivial. So please allow me to explain.
As I had mentioned in a previous blog, a Saturn Return is supposed to be a time of great change in a person’s life, based on the position of ones sun sign in Saturn at the time of birth…or something to that effect. (I am not well versed in the language of Astrology. I find it an interesting concept that ties nature and the supernatural together but don’t take stock in it.) This time typically occurs between the ages of 27 and 31 or 32 which places me smack dab in the middle of some tumultuous whirlwind of confusion; searching for answers to questions that are not very clear to begin with. I will not deny that this has been a quiet torment, this internal search for clarity on why everything simply feels either wrong or unfulfilling.
First I addressed my everyday woes, my laments, my grievances. I have beaten them to death in my mind and in my heart and I will probably continue to do so to some degree. It is natural look at things in retrospect and try to gain insight from the past, but nothing I was mulling over provided any discernment to my immediate tumult. If anything, these thoughts just made me sad, which is a terribly unproductive emotional state to be in.
Recently I have been grieving the “loss” of a couple of my closest girlfriends. For the last few months I have felt quite jilted by their disregard. They formed a bond and I sensed a phase out almost immediately. The very subtle jabs and snubs have been hurtful and peaceful attempts to share these feelings were met with unbelievable hostility. Amends have been made but “girl-drama” still seems to loom and there is nothing I loathe more than catty girl drama and to not participate in it is agonizing however I almost did….tonight…then it all became intensely clear.
Approaching 30 is sort of a big deal. I know that my elders would laugh at this and say “wait till you turn 50″ and so forth, but there is merit to any passage of time that ushers in a new stage of life. Approaching the idea of saying goodbye to my 20’s is saying goodbye to a decade where it is completely natural and almost celebrated to be almost completely self-absorbed. It seems funny how people-centric we are in our teens, when friendships are pinnacle, then as we search out our directions in our 20’s, friendships become mutual launch pads, good-times and networking. The person I was at 22 or 23 is incredibly different than who I am now, only a few years later at 29.
Another strange phenomenon about this period of time is that it feels like a full force, unstoppable progression that is happening at a pace that I can’t digest constructively. It is as if suddenly I can not understand the behaviors of those I considered my peers and there is a bit of resentment because I have not quite fit comfortably into my new clothes quite yet. It is a painful adjustment as I try to make new friends as the old ones hardly even try and when they do, it seems contrived and strained. I have made my efforts and I dealing with people who pretend to care only causes more sadness, which as I mentioned earlier, is an unproductive emotional state. I would rather be happy and productive. It’s not “all about me” anymore. It is no longer allowed.
Terry VanOrder
9:13 pm on February 11th
Grinning Soul: I am 52 years old (almost 53), but I have been 20, and 30, and 40…and remember the passage and journey of each of those milestones. And now I watch my own children (the oldest will turn 30 this summer) pass from one phase of their lives to the next. We never outgrow growing pains (even at my age!). I think you are evolving and that is a wonderful thing.
terry aka owc