I Can Hear the Bells…
My mom’s wedding bells, to be precise. Yes. I am 20 years old and on Friday evening (who gets married on a Friday evening?) I am to be my mother’s maid of honor.
You know, it’s strange. My parents divorced when I was 16. I didn’t take it very well when my dad told me, but I think part of the problem was that HE was the one to tell me about it, and my MOM was the one who wanted it. She wanted a divorce and couldn’t even be bothered to tell me herself. She made poor old Dad do it, which was hard enough, but it was worse because he didn’t really understand why. I didn’t either. In fact, I still don’t know why. My mom offered to tell me once, but I knew that no reason she could give me would be good enough. There are very few excuses I would have accepted for why she wanted out of her marriage to my dad. Unlike your average divorce, she moved out. We stayed living with my dad, which I think was the best decision I ever made. My mom and I didn’t (and don’t) have the kind of mother/daughter relationship you see in movies where they tell each other everything and they fight but you know that deep down they really care. As far as we’re concerned, the less we see of each other, the better we get along. Sad, but true.
Seeing my parents go through a divorce kind of turned me off to the idea of marriage for a long time. Growing up all I wanted in life was to some day get married and have a family. Suddenly at 16 it was more like “Well I could get married, but then it’d probably end badly because no one seems to want to try anymore…maybe I’ll just get really involved in my career instead.” And that suited me ok for a while, even with the thought of never having children. Then, last summer, my grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. We went to a special mass for them at my church and I listened as the priest renewed their vows, and I started to cry. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. That’s when I decided that giving up on marriage altogether wouldn’t make me feel better. Making a success of my own someday would.
I don’t know how I’m going to feel on Friday watching my mother walk down that aisle to pledge her heart to a man who isn’t my dad. Maybe I’ll be happy for her. Maybe I’ll be upset. Maybe it won’t bother me at all. But I’m going to go and be there for her, because that’s what she wants and that’s what a good daughter would do.
Isn’t it?
Cheryl Mathis said:
Marriage is odd. My parents have been married for 43 years, and for most of my growing-up years, I prayed for a divorce. Then my dad got a better job, and cancer, and he mellowed out. They still fight and treat each other badly, but they have a new appreciation for each other. I know that they will not divorce. They’ll just wait until death frees one of them.
Enjoy the wedding. Life is a roller coaster, and it’s too short for judgment.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:31 pm #
Jill Knetter said:
My parents’ divorce came completely outta left field to me. I think they were just good at hiding whatever it was that they were struggling with. That made it harder, though, not expecting it. And you know, you’re right. I’m going to have a good time at the wedding, I know that, and I know that this is something that’s going to make my mom really happy. It just seems so strange to me that the first wedding I ever stand up in will be my own mother’s, but such is life I suppose
July 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am #
Citizen Wausau » Blog Archive » Your Voice: July 21 said:
[…] Jill Knetter writes about being maid of honor at her mother’s wedding. She has some conflicting emotions, and some very personal but also rather universal thoughts […]
July 21st, 2008 at 10:48 pm #
Theresa Stevens said:
I don’t think it matters what her reasons for wanting the divorce were. They were her reasons and they were between her and her husband. I remember when my parents divorced. I knew my mother wasn’t happy but I was still very mad at her. As time went on and she started sharing what went on behind closed doors with my dad I realized why she wanted out. On the surface, she seemed committed to the marriage but underneath she was very unhappy. It was hard when she remarried but her new husband is much better for her.
I think that teenage and adult children of divorce try too hard to understand and want to be involved in the divorce but it’s really between the two people in the marriage. It does affect the children, and the friends, and the families but ultimately it’s between them.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:24 pm #