The Roy’s:Episode Five
March 31st, 2008
Episode Five
(Special thanks to bozz_2006 for actually reading this)
… dorks I have ever met in my entire life. Now sometimes you meet a nerd, a dweeb, or a dillhole. But dorks, well they’re pretty much in a category by themselves, and these guys were the poster children. Now, throw in the fact that they’re from Minnesota, and I’ll tell you folks, there’s a league of it’s own.
They were sitting on the stoop smoking as I walked up. If people could be antonyms, then these two characters would fit the bill. The first one, was a big ‘ol lunk of a feller, two fifty at least, and as white as an albino pumpkin pie at a cool whip convention. He was dressed in the requisite sweat soaked white t-shirt and blue jean shorts, sucking down cigarettes like that info-famous vacuum cleaner that picks up bowling balls. The other one … ninety pounds soaking wet. Imagine Dungeons and Dragons just mated with Pee-Wee Herman. That would at least be a good start.
Scott and Jason, the self proclaimed sentry’s of the Crap-Mahal. They said they had been watching me. They had noticed I had been smoking menthol cigarettes. This may not seem like a moby deal to some of you, but if you aren’t familiar with the intricate nuances of cigarette smoking, it is more common to see menthol cigarettes smoked in the African-American community than in white guy central.
As soon as they mentioned it I knew what they were getting at.
They thought I was a wigger.
I don’t know why I had been smoking menthols that day; I can count on one hand just how many packs of menthol cigarettes I have bought in my life. Maybe I found them, maybe they were on sale, who knows? Either way, these Minnesota hound dogs had picked up on it and seemed intent on getting a firm clarification on the issue before any more goings-on would be going on. Luckily, I was a step ahead and proceeded to explain my given reasoning for the cross-cultural tobacco use.
You know in cartoons when the little light bulb goes on over the guys head? It was just like that. Jekyll and Hyde turned into Yogi and Boo boo.
These guys were characters. By this time I had been praying to get my hands on something white, something that I could understand, and something that didn’t listen to rap. God promptly stood up, took notice, and threw down two geeks from ‘sota that no one else wanted to hang with. Thanks man, thanks.
They weren’t cool, they weren’t clean, but they would do. They especially weren’t clean. We always and I mean always hung out at my place. Their place was roach central. I don’t mean a roach here and there either. I’m talking full blown ant farm on HGH. It was like Pong decided to drop a bunch of acid and party everywhere.
Whatever, they smoked weed and they played video games. Two things I was extremely proficient at. As usual don’t judge a book by its cover, because these racially challenged dorks became my closest friends. Since they were from Minnesota they got into hockey which didn’t interest me at all, but still, we spent hours upon hours holed up in my little apartment playing SEGA hockey and laughing uncontrollably for the duration.
They were the ones who showed me the rest of the city that spring. I can’t recall anything overly earth shattering, but we passed time together. Some say that life is high school with money. It is at that exact moment in time when I first remember turning around and flicking the phalangal fowl right back at high school. I was friends with dorks, maybe I was a dork now too, for the first time, I really didn’t care.
I joke about God throwing me a rancid bone with these two guys, but it was a good thing they came along and changed the way I looked at life, because everything was about to get snow-globed again. It was completely unexpected and completely off the radar. I mean completely. Here I am alone, about to go to bed, and the phone rings. On the other end was …
(Stay tuned for Episode Six)
bozz_2006 said:
STUFF BLACK PEOPLE LOVE
Dave Chappelle: Why do black people love menthol cigarettes?
Guy: Umm, I don’t know.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:15 pm #
Alex said:
http://blog.stuffblackpeoplelove.com/2008/02/19/do-black-smokers-love-menthol/
March 31st, 2008 at 7:42 pm #
bozz_2006 said:
my original post was one of the other answers given… one of the funny ones.
April 1st, 2008 at 3:55 am #
pack93z said:
Good stuff… can’t wait for the next edition… isn’t life strange how many people you cross paths with, hang with them for a few moments in time.. an poof, they exit your life just as suddenly as they entered it.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:36 pm #
Alex said:
This story is filled with many of them pack.
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm #