The Roy’s:Episode Eight
April 12th, 2008
Episode Eight
(Andy Laub … my hero)
… homeless shelter food line. Now if you haven’t had the privilege of standing in line waiting for free food, well you just haven’t lived. Initially, I had been completely opposed to the entire thing. Having been raised ‘strictly’ middle class, with the two-point-two something’s, and the furry thing that barks, this venture would be the start of many agonizing trips down the road of under achievement.
Like I said, I was against the concept from the beginning. Besides having a twinge of social anxiety, there was no way I was going to have any kind of lunch that involved standing in line with a bunch of inner city homeless people. In the end, the curiosity killed me.
So, I fired up a stick, and headed downtown.
We all know that every shelter worth its weight in chili-mac begins with a church and a line. This one was no different. Unfortunately, I remember the line itself to be quite unremarkable. It was a collection of shabby clad lurkers basking in the happiness of misery. I do remember it was one of the most stunning days of the summer, and the sun smiled despite the cloud of crisis.
The line was about forty deep or so, and one was best advised not to pull out a smoke, lest the mosh pit of poverty inhale said inventory. There were at least four or five moments of anguish, and I almost called the whole thing off. I was poor, but just not that poor. More importantly, I wasn’t sure if I could bear what I considered to be a very humiliating experience. But, as the line slowly inched its way to ingestion, I diffidently traipsed with it.
About an hour later, I finally reached the door.
In attempting to paint the perfect picture, I will tell you to imagine high school lunch just got bitch slapped by Oscar the Grouch. Oh yeah, and Oscar’s twenty seven billion children. It was quiet chaos, as the air of humbleness met the air of innocence. There were long tables, there were hairnets, and there was food. Maybe a better word would be slop.
Ironically enough, it just so happened that they were serving one of my all time favorite blue plate specials. If you have ever eaten any type of school lunch you’ve had it as well. Processed chopped turkey loaf, with gravy, on white bread. I know the question of whether the aforementioned loaves actually contain turkey remains unanswered, but regardless, I have always devoured this meal with immense and ardent eagerness. I don’t know why, it just the way it is. Either way, the chef’s special went a long way in lessening the blow of bashfulness.
So I sat, I ate, and I watched the fraternity of filth engage in desperate Darwinism.
We were in and out as fast as a teen couple at a barrel party, and I would never return to Restaurant ‘de Refuse. I probably should have, because as the days wore on the absence of ‘the girl’ and the absence of ambition had slowly dragged me down to the point of no return. My days were spent just trying to get by, trying to cope, trying to live. I needed a grand plan, and I needed it in a hurry. My rent was well over a month due, the obligatory avoid the landlord game had begun, and time was well … running out.
Having always been the crackerjack of contrivance, in my infinite wisdom I decided to once again consult the first person anyone should ever go to when faced with a life altering decision … the Einstein of intoxication himself, Roy. Yeah I know, well it sounded like a good plan at the time. I just figured letting a guy who drank Scope martinis have a say, couldn’t hurt any.
Well, Roy took the ball and ran with it like Forrest Gump on firewater. Within days he had meticulously hammered a plan so conniving, so well thought out, and so elegant in its design that thoughts of failure were futile. It was the plan of all plans, submitted by no other than the sultan of strategy.
The following week drunken Roy’s prodigious proposition would come together as we …
(Stay tuned for Episode Nine)
bozz_2006 said:
…robbed a bank!
April 13th, 2008 at 5:52 am #
Alex said:
… not even close.
April 14th, 2008 at 7:14 am #