Ramble On
June 2nd, 2008
Today, I miss The Roy’s. It gave me focus, it gave me direction. I am alone again, with my thoughts and fears. Now I have to tell things like they are now, not just then. It is much harder to live in the moment. Today I feel like this …
I feel like I am spinning out of control. I got laid off this week as the economy is no longer able to support the salaries of bartenders and others in the service industry. Not that this a crushing blow; truth be told I hated my job, the job before it, and the job before that. That is the story of my life, waking up everyday to earn a living doing something I despise. Have I not worked hard enough? Am I not good enough? Or am I just a victim of the liberal arts. I await the day I can wake up and be excited for a project.
Not any project, one that actually pays.
Maybe all my complaining about being so busy at school was not reasonable. Perhaps, school is the one thing I need to feel directed. Since the semester has ended, I find myself with an ever growing amount of time on my hands. I have spent this time being creative, but hardly productive. I have been doing what I love doing - entertaining. Regardless of the platform, it is passion. There is no open guitar case to collect anything, if there was, I imagine it wouldn’t fill up very quickly anyway. I do it solely out of hope.
However, school has also been a great sacrifice. My need to be at the top of the class, often leaves little time for anything more than hellos and goodbyes. Sometimes it sucks the life out me like a mosquito in the dead heat of August. Although the accolades are rewarding at times, it takes a toll on everything I love.
On top of that, the whole social networking thing has been getting to me lately. I spend time reading about others doing cool things, things I wish I could do. Maybe Dino Corvino was right when he said people need to quit looking at the grass on the other side. However, it appears to be so much more lush and beautiful than the grass in my own backyard.
My wife loves her job. She enjoys what she is doing, is extremely talented at it, and has no desire to be anywhere but here. I feel I owe her that luxury, so I must make due with the area I exist in. Unfortunately, I find the area I exist in boring, mundane, and not overly promising. This limits my potential and makes me very very sad.
It is always an uphill battle and I have no one to blame but myself. I chose to be in an interesting position, with a questionable background. It has limited my opportunities, it has limited my happiness. I feel stuck, trapped, and unable to dig myself out of the funk I have been in for years.
I have never cared about being rich, but I care a lot about enrichment.
I need something positive to happen.
There are still several things I can take from this evolution that is The Search for Redemption.
For example, DaDa, or modified DaDa in my case.
sense make cents of scents sent
having time for thyme
brown brawn brown beauty
long live lifes loves
As the ramble on rambles off, I am hesitant to post these next two videos. I tend to equate music sequentially. When I hear a song, it instantly takes me back to where I was when I first fell in love with the melody. Re-living those moments is always an amazing experience. I imagine this blog will have many of those moments, yet I feel like I am infringing on someone else’s idea. If that person feels the same way, I would hope they would tell me. I imagine they will not, I have found this person to be quite selfless. I would rather they think of themselves as an influence and a muse of sorts.
The Beatles of blogging.
I used to have a really good friend named Jarrett. He lived in town for quite some time and then moved back to his hometown of Baltimore, Maryland. He was one of a kind and I miss spending time with him. I got to visit his hometown in the spring of nineteen-ninety-six. It was an amazing time.
I also was here in ‘93 …
Makes me want to visit the dentist and then chow a grilled cheese.
bozz2006 said:
live for the hope, recognizing that the despair is what allows for hope. As you know, anything worthwhile requires time and sacrifice. And what the hell does “being productive” mean, anyway? You define productivity.
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:28 pm #
Susan Stanko said:
Have you thought of volunteering? That’s agreat way to channel your energy and could lead to something you might actually WANT to do.
June 26th, 2008 at 4:59 pm #
Alex Tallitsch said:
That, Miss Stanko, is some very wise advice. I am thinking Humane Society all the way. Perhaps your comment will be the push that I need.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:13 pm #
Susan Stanko said:
Glad I could help :).
June 26th, 2008 at 5:42 pm #